Babies on the brain..

I forgot this was supposed to be Baby Week on the Discovery Health channel. I was planning to be PLANTED on that channel.. Well, actually I was, but I had FORGOTTEN it was baby week. LoL. I love watching these shows, but DH doesn't want my watching them so much because they show a lot of 'sick' babies on there. And things going wrong. I guess he has a point. when I do get pregnant I'll be scared that all this stuff is wrong with my baby. I do get paranoid about stuff like that.

But it's very interesting and the babies are so VERY cute. :) Love it!

Well, today I'm still feeling the stirrings that usually indicate that AF is on her way. Or something is on it's way. O_O It's just nice to feel that SOMETHING is happening, and though I refuse to get my hopes up so early on, it would be nice to get a BFP on the first try. I'm not looking for it to happen so quickly, but still.. It would be nice. I mean, I've actually been waiting for 11 years for this baby.. I think that's a long wait and it's not just "real quick" That's a long time. A time of sruggling, crying, giving up and then trying again.. I'm just hoping things work out for us this time. One good thing about this, since we decided to ttc again, I feel closer to him. Closer than I have in a while. Like we are actually sharing something.. Something special. I smile when I think about him now instead of just thinking "Oh.. Well HE'S here." <_< And it's pretty cool. I think, at least for a little while, this will draw us closer together. That is if I don't talk about it too much. That's why I started a blog and joined lists for support. He's not really a touchy feely kinda guy. So looking for him to understand when I'm upset or feeling down.. That isn't likely to happen, and I can accept that. But he normally gets upset when I join all those sites and stuff.. But not this time.. I guess this time is different in many ways. Maybe that means something. Hopefully 2009 will be the year our family grows.


*.*.*.BabyDust.*.*.*



Jen

My first TWW!! Who HOOOO!! Ok, enough of that..

As everyone knows by my past AF issues, my two week wait is more like a FOUR week wait. That is if I don't want to suffer ever single two weeks. Me being the smart ass that I am, I didn't buy ovulation strips.. I didn't, not because of the expense mind, but because I couldn't take the news that I'm not ovulating.. NEVER will ovulate.. CAN'T ovulate!!! I just really didn't want to find that out at home.. Just me and my stick... Maybe later I'll check that out. Once things get more normalized. It seems I feel more comfortable and more NORMAL just taking the PT every month and taking my little FertilAid pills and praying that everything will work out right. I guess this is the part where things start to get heavy. The depressing sad part and I haven't even taken my first monthly test yet.

I don't think this will be as crushing as it has been in the past when I get a BFN. (Big Fat Negative on the pregnancy test.) Before a BFN was like a miscarriage. I guess it was in an emotional sense. Like a 'mental' loss of the child I THOUGHT I was about to have.. And found I wasn't. It was just horrible. Now it's like.. "You didn't actually think you were, right?" And maybe I'll leave it at that. Sure it is a big let down, I guess I just hide it well. Even from myself for a little while. Hopefully I won't have many of those BFNs to worry about and will get a BFP the first few mohths. (I know, overly optimistic, right? Oh, and BFP is Big Fat Positive.)

This is EXTRA hard because I know one of the causes of my fertility issues is my weight. As a teen I was Anorexic.. And waivered between Anorexia, Bulimia, and COE. And all that has really done a number on my fertility. Luckily my health hasn't suffered - my MIND is shot from it all, but as far as my actual health, I'm healthy.. Just fat. Anyway, the result is Amenorreah (sp?) Meaning my periods (AF) have stopped for up to 6 years!!! I mean, that's a LONG time. Most of the time, it will skip 6 months to a year, and then start back up. Most of the time I've lost some weight, so I guess that's why it starts up again, but the weight keeps coming back. before, i thought it was gone for good, but due to me quitting my job and sitting around the house- well actually that happened after the fact. I had started going back up while I was still working. But the weight really started piling on after I left the job. Anyway. I need to work out and I plan to start. I just have to boost myself up to do it. And I can't take forever. Just like I can't keep waiting to have a baby, I'm 31 now, and weight is also harder to take off the older you get. That is some of why the weight eased back on so easily!! (My family is on the heavy side, so it's partially genetic, and partially habit.) That makes it harder to lose it like say when you're 50!! Much easier to make the changes at in your 30's than it is in your 40's and easier in the 40's than the 50's..

But this is a blog about babies, not weight.. Maybe I should start one about that. I'm thinking about deleting The Dream Chronicles anyway. I haven't had any really interesting dreams lately.. Or maybe I'll just leave it just in case.. yeah, I think I'll do that. :)

Well, I guess I'm done for the day. Oh, and no sleepy spells today. I guess some days I'm just tuckered out from a day of doing absolutely nothing. :p


*.*.*.BabyDust.*.*.*

(Baby dust is like.. Faery dust... It's magical dust that makes you have babies. :p Like a wish for babies to all who are trying to have them. )



Jen

I'm back.. Ane wide awake.. :p

I didn't even nap!! What a pip, eh? I started tinkering with the music player to add to the blog, and I was awake.. I guess I just needed some music to satisfy my soul so to speak. :p

I still think it's the pills that are making me so sleepy all the time. I remember taking Clomid and being so very tired all 10 days I had to take it. I guess FertilAid is about the same, just gentler and more natural. Hell I use to be tired when AF showed up naturally.. Just DRAINED.. Oh well. Anyway, as you can hear I added some tunes. I couldn't find all the music I was looking for but this got a lot of it. As you'll notice, there's a lot of sax in there. Well, I just rediscovered my love of the sax while watching an episode of The Simpsons, Lisa's Sax. And I was remembering how much i use to want to learn the saxaphone. I always use to price them even after I got married in Pawn shops. Like her's, I've seen them for $200.. But I've never been able to get one. :( No matter how many hints I throwed. <_<

But I will have my saxaphone and I will learn to play it. And when I have my baby, I'll show her/him how to play it too. This family needs talent to pass on. :p Well, we have talent. Daddy's a DJ, I DJ sometimes, I'm a writer, and can learn to fix just about ANYTHING just by watching someone else do it a couple of times. (Like a SAVANT, or something. :p ), but you can never have too much talent. It gives you lots of choices when you grow up. And it helps build self esteem, and every kid needs as much of that as they can get. I remember one of my high school crushes use to play the sax. He was the band teacher. ( I know yall thinkin' Mr. Holland, but oh no, he was CUTE. Young teacher, long hair.. Cute lil' white boy. :p ) That's not WHY I love the sax, I loved it before, I don't even think this has anything to do with the subject, so I'll stop rambling. :p


Well, just lettin' everyone know I'm wide awake and listening to my Neo Soul/Jazz. It's very relaxing.. You should try it sometimes. :p OK... More on BABIES next time, seeing as how this is The Baby Chronicles!!


*.*.*.BabyDust.*.*.*

Jen

Sleepy... Sooooo Sleepy..

I'm not sure if the pills are working and everything trying to kick in is making me so tired, or if I'm just a lazy li' git who just wants to sleep all day, but something is going on. LoL.. I hope the pills are working, and I do feel all the stirrings in my body that I was feeling when everything was working like it's supposed to. (Women know what I mean.. And I guess men who actually get involved with their lady have some idea. ) Hubby is being surprizingly laid back about all this. Normally he'll be bitchin' and moaning up a storm about me taking a supplement. (TRUST NO ONE AND NOTHING is his normal motto about natural remedies that he has never heard of. <_< If it ain't a chemical given by a doctor he is skeptically from JUMP.) But he's been nothing but supportive. Shocking.. For the longest time, and even now sometimes I think he doesn't want me to have his kids. Like I'm not good enough to be his baby's mamma. Like I can't possible live up to the first one... Or who EVER he's been comparing me to. But now.. Not sure. Sometimes he wants, sometimes he acts like he doesn't.. I don't know.. But until he out right says it.. I'm staying the course and we are makin' this baby..


Damn I'm tired!! I just can't get over how sleepy and tired I am today. It's just like it was Sunday.. I've been trying to stay awake, but I think I'mma go take me a little hour long nap. Maybe I'll be back to post more as it happens.. If not, see ya next time. :p

*.*.*.BabyDust.*.*.*

Jen

Jen

Little pains....

I have slight pains in my lower back and abdomen. I use to get them before AF showed her face around here. I'm not sure if it will actually start this month, but there is SOMETHING going on down there. :p Not sure if it's ovulation pains or just PAINS, but it hurts.. But not deathly pain, just a slight... crampy feeling.

I'm still taking my FertilAid, and shockingly hubby hasn't complained about me buying it. He did say I should just go get the Clomid though, which was like "What?" I guess he wants to use up that insurance. :p I do like to try the herbal remedy when I can. Not everyone gets that I guess. I still believe this product will work. Even if only slightly. I feel it will help my cycle straighten out. If it can do that, I'll be happy with it. Only thing is, I found more research on Vitex and it may take 18 MONTHS for that therapy to work and I was hoping to make something happen by the end of the year. No later than the new year. I know good things come to those who wait, we've been married for 11 years, and I'm 31 years old. I can't keep waiting. Maybe he is right. Maybe I should go for the hard stuff...

I've been feeling these mini tantrums brewing in me today. I'm relaxed and all, but sometimes it gets heavy and I JUST started trying this again.. Tantrums ALREADY?!! It's like even though I'm keeping the faith in The Almighty One,and my body to work with me,AND these herbs.. Still there's this doubt in my mind.. It's small, but it builds up sometimes. And I almost start crying. Weird. I wonder if this will get worse? It's not like it was when I was 20. Full of hopes for a brighter tomorrow. Just knowing you'll insert peg A into slot B and you'd get result C. It was that simple in my mind. You're married, you get the pills to get everything going, you have sex, you get pregnant.. End of story and you do that as many times as you want to. Now.. I've grown up.. Lived through some disappointments. Some hardships.. So I don't have as much faery dust in my eyes anymore. I know things can go wrong, and not everything works the way you want it to. But I have to suppress this idea because if I just lose hope.. It won't matter then, now will it?

But I'm trying to keep hope alive. And just pray it will happen. And all will be well with the world..


Well, at least as well as can be expected in my world. :)


Later!

*.*.*.BabyDust.*.*.*


Jen

Tired... Well more.. Sleep... :p

Man, I'm not sure if it's the FertilAid, or just this lazy hot summer Sunday, but I was so SLEEPY earlier. I remember when I started taking Clomid, I was so tired. Maybe it means the herbs are working. I feel really REALLY lazy.. But not depressed. Just... Relaxed.. In chill mode BIG time. If I lay down, I know I'll be sleep in 5 minutes. Comes in handy at night, though hubby and I are supposed to be doing the "BabyDance". But he's tired after work and this is just gonna put me to sleep. ^_^ Well, that's not a problem right now. I just started taking the pills, so they have to work anyway before we can look for results.

I'm hopeful and very encouraged that this product will work for us. I have to stay positive. It may take a while, but I feel it will work. In many ways, the Clomid is cheaper than the supplements. I have insurance, so it usually pays it. Last time it did. Well, maybe not. I'll have to actually add it all up and see. This is going to cost me like 50$ a month. With the doctor visits, I'd be paying..... Hmmm.. That ain't but like $30 a month.. But Clomid is so CHEMICAL.. I'm trying this because it's herbal. I have to keep that in mind.. Oh yeah, I'd have to get the Prevera too, so that more.. And that's if I can get it for $4 at Sams. I may have to pay MORE for it, so I don't know.. :) Anyway I'm feeling this FertilAid. I'm starting to feel like I did when I was taking the Prevera.. All the slight cramping telling me it wouldn 't be long before "Aunt Flo" shows her face around here. Slight back ache. If it works this fast they DEFINATELY have a customer for life. (They sell products for pregnancy and breast feeding as well.)

My hopes are not UP, but I am hopeful. :)


Well, that's it for now. More to come later. :) (*Thinking about when I can start my baby Fotki album. and smiling.*)

Later,


Jen

Day One... And TWO. :p

Well, this is my second day taking both pills together and I already feel a little different. I'm calmer I've noticed. And I kinda feel stirrings in the baby region. :p I know it's probably psychological, as no drug works in one day's dose. But something is better than nothing.

I guess my body knows I'm trying to do something about my situation and it may want to work with me. Now if my mind will work with me. :) Me and hubby gotta start BD'ing so we can start step two of this journey.

More later. It's started lightning down here. And I ain't trying to get struck trying to type. :p LoL


*.*.*.BabyDust.*.*.*

Update!!!

The FertilAid came TODAY!! I was looking for it to be late as usual from Amazon.com- Well, not LATE, just on the last day of the time frame. Well, good for the 'fertility companies' that sell the products. They don't bull**** around!! As far as ease of ordering and shipment time, they have my business.. Now for the workings of the products.. I don't know. At first all I found were rave reviews, now I'm finding reviews that say anything from "No way will I buy it again, as I've been taking it for 5 months." To "Nothing yet, but still trying." To "It will regulate your periods, but nothing else yet.." Those reviews sound more likely, but I would like to give it 3 months before going to hard core drugs and treatments. I'm hoping this will work. I took my first dose as soon as I got it out of the mail box. (And damn was that a fight. That little "MailGal" CRAMMED the box in my mail box. LoL.. I don't even see how she got it in there as I'm about 100 heavier than she is and I almost had to tear the mail box down to get the package out!! LoL!! )

Anyway, I guess my journey officially began today. All the 'drugs' are in me, and now all that's left is for me and the DH to do some BabyDancing.. :)

*.*.*.*BabyDust*.*.*.*


Jen

Got Part of my Order...

Well, yesterday I DID get part of my order. The test strips and my FERTILECM (I been callin' it 'FertilCM'.. Honest mistake. ) I was glad to just get that part.. Now all I'm missing is the FertilAid and I'll be set, but I already started taking the FertileCM and I'm not sure, but I think it DOES make you nauseous. I'm not already pregnant. I took my 'base line' test this morning and no question about it.. It was NEGATIVE. I wasn't really looking for a positive, but you're always hopeful when your periods are missing and you want a baby. But it's not the let down I've been having, since I was not really looking to get a BFP that time. So I'm not that down about it.. Still there is that little pang and it does set the tone for the day sort of. Far as my nausea, it may have something to do with my heavily onioned chicken sandwich lunch. :p Yeah, I notice if I'm full, I feel like crap. I have to use that to my advantage as far as weight loss. Full bad.. Comfortable and hydrated.. VERY good.

How am I feeling.. Kind of emotional. I think it's part of the unbalanced hormones going on in me. And the hope of this new baby... And reading all the happy reviews on FertilAid's site, made me kinda teary earlier today. It happens sometimes. I had to catch myself, but I was just so happy for those people who are getting a positive after TTC for so long. It was moving. Very moving. So I got weepy. I guess that's normal when you read about people who are a lot like you. Also, I notice that I feel connected to all women now. Well, all mothers anyway. All women trying to become mothers. Regardless to race or beliefs. We're all the same. We want our babies to be born and be born HEALTHY.. And for those babies to be safe. And that connects us. And that relaxes my mind. Makes me feel more at one with the greatest mother of all.. The Earth.. The Universe.. With just the IDEA of being a mother, I feel more intune with everything. Sweetness. :)

Well, I guess that's it for now. I'll be glad when these Baby Chronicles have a baby to talk about. I don't care if it's a girl or a boy. I'd rather a girl in a way because I have sisters and I'm a girl. Raised in a house fulla girls and women. I kinda know what to do with a girl. A little boy would be new.. My father died when I was 8 and my mom's boyfriends for the most part were creeps, so my male impression isn't the best. Not that I'd hate my son, of course not! I'd love him as I would a daughter and he does have his father to help raise him.. I'd just feel closer to a girl cause she'd be mommy's little Mini Me, so to speak. I mean I'd be ok if my little boy was a Mini Me, but I'd prefer he NOT be.. :p At this point, as long as it has 10 finger, 10 toes on two feet and hands distributed evenly of course. :p And be healthy.. I am in love.

OK, now that's all for the day. :) Hopefully my FertilAid will get here today. But I'm looking for it to be here the 16th like they said. They love to use that 'last day'.. Especially since I think it's coming from Amazon.com. <_<


Jen

Waiting..

For my products.. :p

I ordered some FertilAid, as I think I mentioned in my first post, but I haven't gotten it yet. I thought I'd be getting it today, but I looked on Amazon again today, and it said BETWEEN the 11th and the 16th. <_< I might have known.. Oh well, what's 5 more days? It's coming to the mail box so I don't have to be waitin' for no UPS man to show up. Anyway, I've been in pretty good spirits. Hubby and I aren't arguing much. Especially not as much as we once have. But we are getting into MINI arguements. Just little stuff. Like he'll be ridin' me about the house not being ANALLY clean. I'm looking at it. It looks like most people's houses, but he's having a hissy fit about it.. I don't know. I think he's gittery about the baby that we're planning. I've stopped arguing with him so much. Except my obsessive baby tv watching. That's kinda getting to him. I think it reminds him that "Hey, won't be long before I'm a daddy again. For the first time with this woman! Will we raise a good kid or will she raise it all FREAKY headed like she is?!!" LoL.. Well, papa, get use to it.. And yes, the baby will be freaky headed like me. :p

Emotionally, I guess I'm doing alright. No real tearful breakdowns, though I do bet teary sometimes. But then that's normal for me. Some days I just feel overwhelmed.. Just overly STIMULATED.. Like a 3 year old.. Just too much going on and I need DOWNTIME.. If I get it, I'm usually fine. Wonder how that'll play out when we're parents? When I'm somebody's mommy. I'll trade my downtime and me time for being a mommy.. For someone to call me "mommy".. Or "Mama" Or "Ma" whatever, long as it's my kid, ya know? I even look forward to dirty diapers.. :)

I guess I've stopped gaining weight, thankfully. (Then again maybe not, just got a glance at the waist line and hips.. YIKES! :O ) I have to start going down. I think at least 20lbs before I get pregnant. Then again I may have time to lose more, cause I think this will be a challenge. i'm not gonna be just knocked up at the drop of a hat. But hopefully we'll get pregnant soon. With in the next 5 years (Hopefully within the next 6 MONTHS, but I'm being realistic.) I'm giving it until 40 totally. In 5 years I'll be 36, so that'll give 4 years of hope, then at 40, oh well.. Just not gonna happen. Not that there's anything wrong with being 40 and pregnant, that's just when I'm gonna stop buying fertility drugs and supplements and all that and just start focusing on beginning a new part of life and enjoying that. But I actually have 9 more years to try with all my might. I'd love to have 2 kids, but I'd feel blessed to have one healthy baby. One thing at a time, right?

Well, this isn't a long post. Just posting some feelings on my ttc situation and praying for the best..

Baby Dust and praying for a Sticky Bean.

Jen

Yep, I'm trying again.. With help of course..

You can't have a kid alone, right? Well, here I am after THINKING I had happily moved on from the baby obsession. Well, my clock is ticking again. I know I'll need help (I mean other than hubby help.) I'll need meds AND I have to lose WEIGHT. That is gonna be the hardest part. I mean, I'd lost weight before, but as soon as that stress hit my ass I as right back up there. I'm very inactive now. Some days, Only get out of bed for about 2 hours!! I know that's somewhat depression, but I'll get over that. It's not major.. Most of it, I must say is LAZINESS. But if I want this kid to come to be, I have some big changes to make. I think the little one is worth it.

I'm already to start my herbal treatment. I ordered FertilAid for Women and FertilAid CM. These are supposed to be like herbal Prevera and clomid all in one. Am I looking for this to work.. Well, I'm HOPING for it to, but I've learned after a life of getting my hopes dashed to not get them up too high. Still I gotta be able to say I tried. I love my unborn children already and I will do what I have to to bring them into the world. :)


This is my journal. It will be full of feelings. I know somedays will be good. Some bad.. Some, I'll be just HERE. LoL.. But I feel keeping a journal is the best way to keep a lid on that. I've joined several support groups, so I have my bases covered in the support area. I need to get in touch with a OBGYN to get that ball rolling. But all that will be done in time.

How's hubby taking all this. Well, he's not the emotional type like me. He's more of a do it or don't attitude. Thus the groups. They'll give me that extra support I need when I'm about to collapse to the floor in tears and he's telling me "Get up and just DO IT!!" And I need someone to say "It'll be ok.. Now go do it.." Same thing. Different approach, ya see. :)

Well, feelings... Today, I feel... Alright I guess. I ate light all day. No real activity though, but the light meal is a start. Today is the full moon, that's always good. I have my water, herbs, and coins purifying in the window sill. :) Tomorrow I'll offer them up to the spirits. (Oh yeah, I want to make sure my kids learn this. It's a nice jesture. Especially if you're not just praying for YOU.) Anyway, that has nothing to do with this.. I feel good to be back into that kinda thing. The whole Priestess deal. Gives you a nice peaceful feeling inside.. Well inside ME anyway. I guess I'm pretty happy today. I haven't started any treatments yet, so there's not hormonal out bursts yet. I'm sure those will be hella interesting. :)

I guess that's all for now.. More as it becomes available. :p

Jen