My first TWW!! Who HOOOO!! Ok, enough of that..

As everyone knows by my past AF issues, my two week wait is more like a FOUR week wait. That is if I don't want to suffer ever single two weeks. Me being the smart ass that I am, I didn't buy ovulation strips.. I didn't, not because of the expense mind, but because I couldn't take the news that I'm not ovulating.. NEVER will ovulate.. CAN'T ovulate!!! I just really didn't want to find that out at home.. Just me and my stick... Maybe later I'll check that out. Once things get more normalized. It seems I feel more comfortable and more NORMAL just taking the PT every month and taking my little FertilAid pills and praying that everything will work out right. I guess this is the part where things start to get heavy. The depressing sad part and I haven't even taken my first monthly test yet.

I don't think this will be as crushing as it has been in the past when I get a BFN. (Big Fat Negative on the pregnancy test.) Before a BFN was like a miscarriage. I guess it was in an emotional sense. Like a 'mental' loss of the child I THOUGHT I was about to have.. And found I wasn't. It was just horrible. Now it's like.. "You didn't actually think you were, right?" And maybe I'll leave it at that. Sure it is a big let down, I guess I just hide it well. Even from myself for a little while. Hopefully I won't have many of those BFNs to worry about and will get a BFP the first few mohths. (I know, overly optimistic, right? Oh, and BFP is Big Fat Positive.)

This is EXTRA hard because I know one of the causes of my fertility issues is my weight. As a teen I was Anorexic.. And waivered between Anorexia, Bulimia, and COE. And all that has really done a number on my fertility. Luckily my health hasn't suffered - my MIND is shot from it all, but as far as my actual health, I'm healthy.. Just fat. Anyway, the result is Amenorreah (sp?) Meaning my periods (AF) have stopped for up to 6 years!!! I mean, that's a LONG time. Most of the time, it will skip 6 months to a year, and then start back up. Most of the time I've lost some weight, so I guess that's why it starts up again, but the weight keeps coming back. before, i thought it was gone for good, but due to me quitting my job and sitting around the house- well actually that happened after the fact. I had started going back up while I was still working. But the weight really started piling on after I left the job. Anyway. I need to work out and I plan to start. I just have to boost myself up to do it. And I can't take forever. Just like I can't keep waiting to have a baby, I'm 31 now, and weight is also harder to take off the older you get. That is some of why the weight eased back on so easily!! (My family is on the heavy side, so it's partially genetic, and partially habit.) That makes it harder to lose it like say when you're 50!! Much easier to make the changes at in your 30's than it is in your 40's and easier in the 40's than the 50's..

But this is a blog about babies, not weight.. Maybe I should start one about that. I'm thinking about deleting The Dream Chronicles anyway. I haven't had any really interesting dreams lately.. Or maybe I'll just leave it just in case.. yeah, I think I'll do that. :)

Well, I guess I'm done for the day. Oh, and no sleepy spells today. I guess some days I'm just tuckered out from a day of doing absolutely nothing. :p


*.*.*.BabyDust.*.*.*

(Baby dust is like.. Faery dust... It's magical dust that makes you have babies. :p Like a wish for babies to all who are trying to have them. )



Jen