Been away,and what a rollercoaster it has been.

Well, I've been on vacation. We went to Universal Studios (We go all the time.) and had a little fun. Saw some sites, rode some rides (I hate rollercoasters. So you know that little mid ride picture they take was ALL toe UP!! ) Still, it was a fun ride and at least it was an indoor rollercoaster. (The Mummy ride.) I think I'll do better next year. That is if I'm not all knocked up. :p

Anyway, the rollercoaster that really was wild, was my EMOTIONAL rollercoaster. Hubby and I got into it about something. Not a major spat or anything.. It was just feeling like he didn't want me to be his babymama.. And I was pissed about it. I still wonder sometimes. But my clock is not waiting. He can get a woman pregnant when he's EIGHTY!! I have a time limit, so he's just gonna have to deal. But still I felt so bad. That he thought I wouldn't be a good mom. well, he didn't say that.. But in my mind it was implied. But worse of all he started out talking about the cost of having a baby. and I know it is EXPENSIVE to raise kids. But my mom did it on government assistance might as well say. (My dad's state retirement and social security benefits when he died supported us.) And we got along just fine. Sure I didn't have the TRENDIEST of clothes, but I didn't start a single school year without a few new outfits, and I didn't starve to death either. (All my fat proved that.) And she loved me. That's the most important part of it all. Some kids are RICH money wise, but don't get the love they need from their parents. and I'd be more than willing to give it to them... My kids that is. :p

I can't wait until I'm "well off." I might be 50 and TOTALLY sterile by then. Then how much will it cost for them to try and DIG UP a few stored back eggs and HOPE they work. When I can just have the baby now? No way. I think this is too important. I put it off for so long and always said if I had the time, or the money, or if I was meant to have kids my body would work right. Well, I'm tired of making excused, I want my little one!! Dammit.. :p We've been married 11 years, so I think it's time. Still it kinda hurts when he keeps throwing all these hints and I feel like I'm the only one trying here. Like I'm the only one who WANTS this child to be born. It's just kinda lonely. Emotionally that is.

I had gave up for a minute..


JUST a minute.

Now I'm back. And I believe it is time and I shouldn't give up. I've given up too many times before. I can't leave this alone. I'm not 20 anymore. I know I have a few years left, but I don't want to wait til the last minute or until it's too late. I feel it's time.


So I'm still taking my FertilAid and I've started exercising, believe it or not. Turbo Jam DVD system. (Just the exercise, cause I'm not with all that dieting.) And I just bought a Bowflex AND an eliptical machine. If I can't shape up with all those tools, I'm just destined to be fat. :p

I guess that's it. It's bout to get bad over here (Far as weather) and I ain't tryin' to get struck tryin' ta blog. :p



*.*.*.BabyDust.*.*.*



Jen