Month 2 to begin.... NOW!

Well, I got that much expected BFN yesterday. I was supposed to test today, but I woke up thinking yesterday was the 12th, so I tested then and it was infact negative.

I was expecting it,but it still took it's toll on me. I was depressed all day yesterday. I didn't tell hubby I tested, because he hates when I test. I always get depressed! LoL! So I kept that to myself. But it was eating me up inside. luckily I as home alone all day yesterday. I slept all day. I still feel a little teary eyed. Sometimes I feel like I'm out of my element. I mean.. OK, this is how all these bad feelings started. I was in one of my other support groups. On Nappturality. (You know it is our favorite site. ^_^ ) And there was this discussion about "How old is too old." And I guess I felt like some of the younger members were kinda knocking the older members who wanted to have kids still. Now I'm still in the PRETTY safe range. I'm 31, and you're pretty good up to 35, and then things get edgy, but you're still alright. The chances of stuff going wrong is just a little higher. Well anyway, I guess I've been thinking about that. I wasn't even the person who STARTED the tread. I've read all the studies so why would I need to ask such a question, knowing I'd just leave it upset? Well, anyway. I was still really supportive of women trying later in life. But then you know there's always the 'scientist' of any group who says you're wrong, or what you're doing is immoral, or just not right or SOMETHING that's gonna rub you the wrong way. And they got to talking about this and that... And somehow it got on the subject that a 15 year old is more phyiscally desirable for childbirth than an older woman. Now we all know a childs body heals faster than an adults. But a child definately does not have the mind set of an adult, and I guess it just struck a cord. I left a comment, but I don't think I'll be going back in there again. I'll just stick to nappturality for what it was initially put there for. HAIR. PERIOD.

The sad part is it kind of put a rift between me and younger mothers. Like they are looking at me like I fucked up waiting so long. When I honestly have been trying since I was their age. So youth does not mean you'll get pregnant easy peasy and such. I know it's crazy. I never use to look at it like that, if I saw a young woman of 20 saying she's trying to have a baby, I'd tell her she's young and has so much time so don't lose hope. Now if I read that I'm lookin' at that post or person all sideways. <_<>

Still I say 15 is too young to have a baby. I don't care what who or what says. It happens, yes. But that should be an everyday thing. What happened to you're grown at 18? Now our children are expected to adults... Then again.. It may just be by a few. I'm sure most of us still want to protect our teenage daughters.. Don't we? I don't know.. I guess the whole thing just left me feeling defeated and a little bit sad.

I always tell myself that I'm not going to get involved in controversial topics. I always end up just bowing out, but the frustration lingers and I end up going over it again and again for MONTHS!! I guess the BFN just kinda rubbed it in a little that old woman, you're out of your league. <_<

But of course I haven't given up, and I have every intention of seeing this through, and the opinion of so few is not going to change my mind. I do wish I could have been successful in my 20s but it just didn't work out that way. So now I'm in my 30s. I have a good 9 years left in them. Well, at least 8 years and some months. And if I can't do it then, MAYBE I'll consider just giving it up.. Or hell, maybe I'll be a mama in my 40s. Now 50s I don't know about all that. But I certainly don't tell anyone in their 50s to not try for that dream. It's just amazing. It's so easy to say things when you're on the other end of the spectrum. But when it's your time.. You feel totally different. I know I've made a lot of 180's myself in my life. Total turn arounds. :) They do happen.

Well, I guess I'm done ranting for now. I'm just gonna listen to some soothing music.. Surf the net for a bit. Maybe even stroll to nappturality for a minute.. Just for some hair stuff. :p