Well time to get started.

Vitex, that is. I've had an unstable temperature spike, but this is day 98 of my cycle. I was going to wait until day 100, but I'm pretty sure my cycles have decided to quit again. For one, I've gained so much WEIGHT since I quit the job. And when I gain weight I often lose my cycle as well. So a weight loss is definitely called for. This is why I almost don't need a diagnosis of PCOS, all I need is a check up to make SURE it's not something else. 

So, tomorrow is day 99. I'll be starting a day early, but that ok, as I know I'm not ovulating right now (negative OPT) and I don't think my period was "on the way". And I know I'm not pregnant because we haven't had much sex lately. We wanted to temp and get a baseline first. With DH's difficulties it's a lot less stress on him to not waste effort on a non productive cycle. (That sounded bad, I know. But trust me, it's ok. ) 

Honestly I was on the verge of giving up or at least just.. I don't know. I was starting to grieve. Grieve for the babies I'd never be able to have. I still WANT a baby, but after so long you start to think.. Maybe it's not going to happen. 

I tried to adopt a puppy, but $100 is NOT what I remember!! When I had dogs, they were free! LoL! So... But it was kinda devastating. I was like, GOD I'm not even worthy of a DOG!! (Hey I was in a dark place that day!!) 

I was about to tap out. 

Then we were at the laundromat (my dryer is on the fritz as well. *sigh* it never ends sometimes!!) and I saw this tiny little sock someone had left behind. It was so adorable. I mentioned to DH that it was so little and cute. And what he said would be insignificant to a person who doesn't know the TTC struggle, but to ME it was everything. 

He looked at the sock and said "That's how little your baby's sock is gonna be." And just walked off like it was just the normal thing to say.. Like, it's gonna happen so he wasn't  worried about it. LoL! And that little thing gave me so much hope. I felt renewed in this journey again. He has no idea how much that little sentence help pull me back in the ring and helped me to keep going. 

And I'm not gonna tell him because he'll ruin it.. LoL! 

Anyway, this is the Vitex I will be using

I got it at Amazon, I forget the cost. It's cheaper at Puritan's Pride though I do remember that. I'm pretty sure it's all pretty much the same. Last time I was taking this, I combined it with Black Cohosh and it was working I guess. I did get a period here and there as I remember, but I got this awful stomachache and had to stop taking it. I had PLENTY left over, but lost the bottles in our 2 moves since then, actually now 3 moves. So I had to buy more, sans the black cohosh. 

I actually got an awesome tip from a former TTC'er turned Mommy about FertilAid/Vitex. There are many tales of women having success with the herb, only to have it ripped away in a miscarriage. The reason seems to be the sudden stop of the supplement. She said she takes the herb for the first 12 weeks, then weans off quickly. Or the first 8 weeks.. I'll have to look it up again. But the point is to keep taking it until the placenta takes over and starts producing it's own hormones. Then you wean off. Before that you progesterone levels may drop and you'll miscarry. It's just one person's advice but it kind of proved my suspicion and I thought about doing the same. And her theory is sound and the proof is 2 healthy children. So. it's worth a shot. 

So, yeah. Basically I'm starting my holistic fertility treatments tomorrow. :)

.*•*.•*•.•*•.BabyDust.•*•*•.•*•.•*•.

~J

Oh The Waiting!!

  And waiting.... And waiting.. AND WAITING!!! *sigh* 

It's times like this that extremely long cycles really SUCK! With a 46 day long cycle that sometimes skips a cycle or two you have nearly 100 days before you know that it's time to take the next step. In my case, starting Vitex. Right now I'm at day 89. 2 missed cycles is day 92. So I'm almost there. I plan to wait until after day 100 before starting the drug. 

I think my missed cycles are skipping also because of my recent weight gain. Since my husband and I began working for ourselves, we aren't as active as we use to be and that has lead to a bit if a weight gain. I know that once my weight gets to a certain point, my cycles skip or STOP! So that's something to take care of. Honestly I would like to lose a good 50lbs. It sounds like a lot, but at my weight that huge loss would just put me at my norm- about 170. So, that sounds great. :) I recently got a book called "The 17 Day Diet" by Dr. Mike Moreno. I received it through Swaggable, a sampling group that I am a part of. I haven't had time to actually read it. I don't go for fad diets anymore, but a nice jumpstart might be be just what I need right now. My sister wants to go on a diet also, so maybe I'll at least have a diet buddy. 

  Well, that's it for now. More once I get this officially started. :)

Thanks for reading. :)

~J

Vitex.. Is it safe?

Are you thinking if taking Vitex? Read this article. Makes me feel pretty good about taking it!! 

.•*•.•*•.BabyDust.•*•.•*•.•*•.•*

Vitex.... Fertility Super Herb?

By Hethir Rodriguez 

 http://natural-fertility-info.com/vitex

Vitex is a beautiful shrub native to Greece and Italy whose berries have been used in herbal medicine for centuries. It is considered one of the most popular herbs in Europe and other Western nations for the support of gynecological imbalances.

Modern clinical research and traditional use of vitex have shown its amazing ability to help balance fertility hormones. Since vitex does not contain hormones it has a supportive, gentle and non direct action on the body. Vitex is one of the most useful fertility herbs available to us.

How Vitex Works

Our current understanding of vitex is that it has a supporting and regulating effect upon the pituitary gland. The pituitary is known as the “master gland” because it controls many vital bodily functions such sending chemical signals to the ovaries, telling them how much hormones to make. This communication is known as the hormonal feedback loop.

Vitex has been shown in studies to:

Vitex is one of the best fertility herbs available to us when it comes to balancing hormones and regulating the menstrual cycle.

Inhibit follicle-stimulating hormone (FSH): Vitex increases the secretion of luteinising hormone (LH), which in turn increases progesterone.

Lengthens a short luteal phase:Studies have shown vitex to be affective at lengthening the luteal phase. While it does not contain any hormones itself, it does help the body to increase its own production of luteinizing hormone (promoting ovulation to occur) which in turns boosts progesterone levels during the luteal phase of the cycle.

Increased progesterone levels: Vitex has been shown to stimulate the formation of the corpus luteum. The corpus luteum is responsible for the secretion of progesterone. In a study of 45 women, 86% responded positively with normalized or significantly improved progesterone levels.

Reduces advancement of mild endometriosis: Vitex is used in Germany by gynecologists to treat mild endometriosis and prevent it from advancing.

May help prevent miscarriage: Vitex has a beneficial impact on progesterone levels. If miscarriages are due to low progesterone, vitex may help to normalize or increase progesterone levels. Vitex may be considered safe to use during pregnancy, but make sure to consult with a healthcare practitioner when using this herb during pregnancy. Also make sure to read our ‘Use During Pregnancy’ section below.

Relieves PMS: Clinical research has shown that vitex may be very beneficial for PMS symptoms, especially depression, headaches, rashes, acne, allergies and sensitivity of the breasts. In one study improvement of PMS by the first month was experienced by 32% of the women. By the third month 84% of the women experienced improvement of their PMS.

Lack of menstruation (amenorrhea): In a study of 15 women with amenorrhea, 65% had resumed a menstrual cycle by the sixth month of use. Progesterone levels also increased.

Irregular menstruation: Vitex has been shown to help balance both an absent menstrual cycle as well as aid a menstrual cycle that is heavy or too frequent.

Uterine cysts: Vitex has been found to be helpful at reducing cysts that are growing within the smooth muscle layer of the uterus.

Stabilization of menstruation after stopping birth-control pills: After discontinuing estrogen-containing birth control pills, vitex taken for several months has been shown to help stabilize the cycle and induce ovulation more quickly.

Helps stimulate milk production in new mothers: For over 2,000 years vitex has been used to help stimulate mother’s milk. Begin using vitex right after birth and continue for 10 days or more as needed.

Acne: Several studies have shown an improvement in the skin with the use of vitex. Along with appropriate diet changes vitex may help acne.

Vitex can help basically any issues that one experiences that disappear once pregnancy begins and returns after breastfeeding ends.

How to Use Vitex

For optimal results vitex should be taken long-term. Clinical research shows that vitex may start working within 10 days, but full benefits may not be experienced until 6 months or longer. For PMS results are normally seen by the second menstrual cycle. But for lasting changes it may need to be taken for up to a year or more depending on how long the imbalance has been present.

Vitex is making fundamental changes in the delicate chemical chemistry of the body, this is why it takes some time to have an effect. Since vitex is a harmonizing and nourishing herb, it works  behind the scenes to restore balance in a gentle way. Unlike a refined synthetic drug which forces the body to change, vitex works to nourish and support the system bringing about long term balance.

Vitex use & Dosage
Vitex is generally suggested to be taken once a day in the morning on an empty stomach (half an hour before breakfast). If vitex is being used as part of a herbal blend containing other herbs, use as directed on the bottle. Vitex should be used all month long without a break.

• Capsules: 900-1,000mg a day
• Tincture: 60-90 drops a day

Which is the best vitex to take?
Vitex comes in many forms, loose herbs, capsules, tea, tincture and powder. We find that capsules and tinctureoffer the most consistent results since it is easier to control the dosage. Many of the compounds needed from vitex are easily extracted in alcohol (tincture) versus water (tea). Vitex is very strong tasting, almost bitter, so I would not suggest making a tea unless you blend other herbs with it, that is one reason capsules are so convenient.

Does Vitex Work for Everyone?

Vitex generally works for most adult women in their childbearing years (from age 18-perimenopause), but there are some cases where it may have no effect.

Women who have less than ideal lifestyle habits will probably not experience the full effects of vitex. For those who have low energy reserves, weak immune systems, eat mostly processed foods, have been on antibiotics or steroids for a while – changes in diet and lifestyle are necessary prior to beginning the use of vitex. Without making these changes in addition to using vitex, you may not experience results.

Perimenopause is the time leading up to menopause.Perimenopause typically begins at the age of 40. As perimenopause progresses toward menopause, it is normal for menstrual cycles to become irregular and for hormone levels to fluctuate. As ovarian reserve diminishes and egg health declines, FSH levels may rise. For some women vitex may be helpful in maintaining regular cycles and lowering higher FSH levels, but vitex cannot reverse the aging process. It may or many not be effective for women in perimenopause, each woman is different. Vitex cannot bring back the menstrual cycle in women who have gone through menopause.

Safety & Side Effects

Vitex has been used for over 2,000 years with no significant side-effects reported. Some minor and infrequent side-effects (1-2% of users may experience) have been nausea, gastrointestinal upset, skin reactions, and headache. Women with a history of depression taking vitex for menstrual irregularity may experience an exacerbation of depressive symptoms.

Even though it has been shown to have no interference with oral contraceptive vitex should not be used in conjunction with prescribed progesterone containing medication such as birth control pills in case it may interfere with their activity.

Some women do experience a shift in their cycle when they first begin using vitex. The length of the menstrual cycle may shorten or lengthen temporarily before it finally stabilizes. This is just the body balancing itself out and is completely normal.

Safety ratings

• German Commission E has approved the use of vitex for menstrual cycle irregularities, premenstrual disturbances, and mastodynia.
• The Botanical Safety Handbook had categorized vitex as a class 1 herb . Class 1 herbs are herbs that can be safely consumed when used appropriately.

Vitex use During Pregnancy

It is believed that vitex’s ability to increase progesterone levels has explained the positive results seen by herbalists and midwives who used it to help prevent recurrent miscarriages in women. No studies on humans have been done yet supporting this, only traditional usage. There have been reproductive toxicology studies with female rats where they were given up to 80 times the concentrated used clinically in humans, showing no difference in offspring compared with the rates given none.

According to German research, vitex can be taken safely through the end of the third month of pregnancy and may help prevent miscarriage. It is still considered safe to take after the third month, but may stimulate lactation too early, so for this reason it is suggested to not continue after the third month of pregnancy. Also at month three of pregnancy is the time the placenta takes over progesterone production on its own so vitex most likely won’t be needed anyways.

If you are deciding to use vitex during pregnancy, we suggest you consult with an herbalist or midwife for guidance and supervision.

Summary

Vitex is a fantastic herb for fertility, helping with a range if issues such as PMS, low progesterone, lack of ovulation, irregular menstrual cycles, lack of a menstrual cycle, acne and so much more. Vitex offers many benefits but requires patience and consistency of use. It should be used all month long and taken as one dose in the morning on an empty stomach.

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This site is great! Check it out!!

http://Natural-Fertility-Info.com 

~Jen

For PCOS Victims. ❤️

Healthy Diet for Polycystic Ovary Syndrome - Topic Overview

The metabolic changes that happen with polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS) can increase your risk of becoming overweight or obese. You may also have developed some poor eating habits. A healthy diet helps you lose weight or stay at a healthy weight. Controlling your weight can decrease your insulin levels and may result in more regular menstrual cycles. This may relieve some of the symptoms of PCOS.

Here are some tips for choosing a healthy diet.

• Watch your portions. Learn what equals one serving for each of the food groups, and make sure you are not eating portions that are larger than the recommended serving.
• Eat a low-calorie diet.
• Eat low-fat foods. A low-fat diet (less than 30% of calories from fat) helps you manage your weight and helps reduce your risk of heart and metabolic problems with PCOS. Don't forget, though, that the total calories you eat are still an important part of managing your weight.
• Save high-fat food for a special occasion. Fat is a concentrated source of calories and it is tasty, making it easy to eat too many calories. Choose lean meats and meat alternatives to help you decrease the high-fat foods in your diet.
• Limit foods and liquids that are high in sugar. Beverages and foods that have sugar add calories but may not add much nutrition to your diet. Substitute naturally flavored water (without added sugars) for high-sugar drinks (including high-sugar juice drinks). Don't substitute diet drinks-they have higher levels of sodium and caffeine.
• Eat plenty of foods that are high in iron and calcium.
• If you drink alcohol, drink moderate amounts (no more than 1 drink a day for a woman). Drinking excess alcohol increases abdominal fat and your risk ofheart disease and type 2 diabetes.

Source: WebMD

Long Time, But Back!

  Yep after 4 long years I am ready to give it one more shot!! 

  A little recap. I'm now 36, this is baby #1 EVER! I have very irregular cycles, so charting will be very important. I am not a rich woman, so I am HOPING for a pretty natural conception. My cycles are actually better than they have been in a long time, so hopefully that will help. I did buy Vitex in case things get more out of whack. I'd prefer to be as natural as possible. When I was a little younger, I was thinking of having a natural pretty much home birth, but with "advanced" age and my back/hip issues I think a hospital might be my best bet, though I think I would like a midwife. :) But there is time for that decision to be made. 

  Ok, so my "fertility kit" included a basal thermometer, Vitex, and an insemenation kit- YES an actual insemenation kit. Cups, syringes, and some big ass cervical cup things that I will NOT be using because they are enormous! LoL! I also bought a book called "Taking Charge Of Your Fertility". Yeah, think I got everything. :)

So, now all I'm waiting for is AF. 

~J

Ok, I'm just rambling today...

LoL!! I don't really have much to add, but I wanted to come here more since DH is working weekends some weeks now and I'm alone here... So no lookie-Loos over my shoulder.. DH knows I blog, but he really doesn't take things the way he SHOULD take them.. As in.. This is my blog.. I may blog about you... If you can't handle that.. Don't go snoopin' in my damned blog.. LoL!!

Anyway, I haven't taken The Provera yet. I had a lot of spotting over the last month and I'm wondering if it's my body trying to regulate itself. I think there is a connection between body fat and PCOS. Or at least mine.. I thought it was just weight related. BUT maybe it's the excess FAT, not weight.. When I lost weight, my fat went down as well as my weight.. Lately I've been doing a LOT more physical activity and have been trimming down. Now I'm not SLIM and trim just yet, but still I noticed the spotting started when I noticed the toning.. So.. Here's hoping that A. I'll tone up more and B. I'll stay active enough to keep trimming down and C. That will lead to a Mini.. :)

Like I said not much to add today.. Just checking in..

Jen

Got Meds????

I do.. I went to the doctor for eczema medication for my hands and just asked for something to get me "regular" that's not birth control and he gave me 2 cycles of Provera.. Neat. :) I know it won't regulate me but it's a start I guess. I actually have some Clomid here somewhere, but being the procrastinators we are and the pack rats to boot.. I have no idea where it is. But eventually I'll find it. I won't take it right away though. I COULD take it, but I'm not sure DH is ready to start trying THAT actively just yet. I mean, if I could be pregnant like RIGHT NOW, I would be totally over the moon!! LoL!! We all know that. Not saying DH would be NOT happy.. I just don't think he's ready to push it just yet.. So I'll save my Clomid for another time. Anyway, the general physician said he'd send me to an ob/gyn if the two cycles don't regulate me. But even with all this, I'm hoping to have that BFP by the end of the year.. Hoping.. :) Will I? Who knows, but here's hoping and praying.. I'll POAS before taking the Provera, just to be sure.. (And hoping for an already BFP..) I've been having loads of spotting lately. Even a really.. REALLY light AF.. I mean REALLY light. And you know what all us TTC gals hope for every time we get weird symptoms.. (BFP!!! I keep saying it cause I'm REALLY hoping for it.. LoL!!)

Mean while, I've been planing like crazy. Will I cloth diaper? Breastfeed? (Definately) Baby Carrying? (Oh yeah...) Co Sleep? (Same room, maybe not same bed though.) There's lots to plan. Cloth diapering is a great thing and you're helping the environment and all that, but I'm probably not going to do it. It's pretty expensive to start and I'd be a damned miracle worker to talk DH into spending $130 plus in one lump for some diapers! He's actually already said not likely, so with that I won't push it.. However, those flushable diapers sound like a great idea.. Keeps poop out of the trash and out of landfills... Out of the ground water.. I think it's just a liner that goes in the diaper.. Though how AWESOME would a stand alone flushable diaper be?!

Well, I guess that's all for now.. More to come...


Jen

The Back And Forth..

I HATE the back and forth.. I want a baby with all my heart, and DH ACTS like he does too.. But then we get into an arguement. Like yesterday. Basically he said I was HOT when i WAS 16. But NOW, I'm bigger, so I'm not cute anymore. I was so hurt. Not that that was the the first time he'd crushed my soul with his heartless words. I honestly don't think he SEES how hurtful they are.. Sometimes I just wish I could transfer the pain for a few minutes to him and let him FEEL how hurtful his words are.

And there comes the back and forth. Should we have kids? I mean we don't even get along with EACH OTHER.. How will a baby fit into all this? But I'm almost 32.. I can't keep putting it off. I want a baby. I always HAVE. But obviously I'm not leaving him, as I haven't yet.. And if I give up on a baby.. I'll be bitter.. Resentful.. That CAN'T be good for my spirit.. I have an appointment. Luckily Fertility treatments are seperate from the whole menstral regulation treatment. So I have a bit of time to think. I guess I'll work on my reproductive health and see where that leads me. Instead of just going for the Clomid right away. Hmmm..

On a good note, DH bought me a white topaz bracelet/earring set. It is very beautiful. I'll try to get some pics up soon if I don't forget. I'm wearing the earrings now. Said I'd keep em in, but I feel kinda like a shmuck.. I haven't worn something as girly as earrings in quite some years. Still, they are pretty. And he seems rather happy that I like them, so I'll try to get use to this one girly thing. :) I was pretty much broke this year, but I got him a subscription to Penthouse Letters Magazine.. He should get it by Valentines day.. JUST as he feels like he's getting nothing. LoL.. And in perfect time.. I got to the doctor in January and maybe Penthouse will give him the little boost he needs for some baby making. Yeah, I know.. But desperate times call for desperate measures!! AND, did I mention.. I quit smoking...

I'm 12 days clean of smoking. I feel better.. I'm not as nauseated from that taste in my mouth.. That's pretty much all for now. I haven't been quit long enough to get the real benefits. Those start at like a month +.. But I look forward to them. The healthy energy that comes with being a non smoker. :)


Oh and the COOKING.. I have.. Glazed ham, Collard greens ( I SELL em so you know I have to have some left.), green bean casserole, mashed sweet potatoes and cranberry sauce.. Just absolutely YUMMY. I am gonna eat and slip into a food coma.. LoL!

Well, that's it for now. I hope everyone has been having a happy holiday season. For the Solstice, I walked in the woods and got my nature on.. It was so peaceful out there.. But now, being a Christian/Wiccan with Buddhist tendencies.. I have to get my grub on for Christmas. :)

Jen

Follow me on Twitter!!

I posted this on http://babyandbump.com


I was just thinking about all I have to do emotionally and physically on this ttc journey. Quit smoking ( I have 2packs left and a piece) start walking foe exercise and drink more water. (ALWAYS more water. I only drink water, but I could still drink more. ) I could stand to lose some weight.

Spiritually I have work to do. Lots of work. But I've touched Zen before. At first when I fell, I thought it was the end of the world. But now I know that maybe it wasn't time to attain enlightenment right then, but to just TOUCH it. And know how good it felt. How free and new. And how I needed to arrange my life and mind to fit Zen. Enlightenment. I need to nurse my spirit back to health.

As for the baby. Well first I have to make the baby. But aside from that, I know I want a natural birth. Not a FREEbirth necessarily, but as natural as possible. I frequent the freebirthing site just to learn all I can. And just incase have to deliver alone!! It's good information to have. I'd like a midwife, but I kinda want to deliver in a hospital. Wonder if you can do both? Did I mention i want to deliver in water? Well I do!

I know I want to breastfeed. I want to wear my baby as much as possible. And co sleep. (same room very near each other. )

these are the things I think about.
************

I actually tested twice this cycle!! That's it I'm taking a break from the stick in October!! So my next test will be November 12th. I hope it's a BFP!!!


Jen

Month 2 to begin.... NOW!

Well, I got that much expected BFN yesterday. I was supposed to test today, but I woke up thinking yesterday was the 12th, so I tested then and it was infact negative.

I was expecting it,but it still took it's toll on me. I was depressed all day yesterday. I didn't tell hubby I tested, because he hates when I test. I always get depressed! LoL! So I kept that to myself. But it was eating me up inside. luckily I as home alone all day yesterday. I slept all day. I still feel a little teary eyed. Sometimes I feel like I'm out of my element. I mean.. OK, this is how all these bad feelings started. I was in one of my other support groups. On Nappturality. (You know it is our favorite site. ^_^ ) And there was this discussion about "How old is too old." And I guess I felt like some of the younger members were kinda knocking the older members who wanted to have kids still. Now I'm still in the PRETTY safe range. I'm 31, and you're pretty good up to 35, and then things get edgy, but you're still alright. The chances of stuff going wrong is just a little higher. Well anyway, I guess I've been thinking about that. I wasn't even the person who STARTED the tread. I've read all the studies so why would I need to ask such a question, knowing I'd just leave it upset? Well, anyway. I was still really supportive of women trying later in life. But then you know there's always the 'scientist' of any group who says you're wrong, or what you're doing is immoral, or just not right or SOMETHING that's gonna rub you the wrong way. And they got to talking about this and that... And somehow it got on the subject that a 15 year old is more phyiscally desirable for childbirth than an older woman. Now we all know a childs body heals faster than an adults. But a child definately does not have the mind set of an adult, and I guess it just struck a cord. I left a comment, but I don't think I'll be going back in there again. I'll just stick to nappturality for what it was initially put there for. HAIR. PERIOD.

The sad part is it kind of put a rift between me and younger mothers. Like they are looking at me like I fucked up waiting so long. When I honestly have been trying since I was their age. So youth does not mean you'll get pregnant easy peasy and such. I know it's crazy. I never use to look at it like that, if I saw a young woman of 20 saying she's trying to have a baby, I'd tell her she's young and has so much time so don't lose hope. Now if I read that I'm lookin' at that post or person all sideways. <_<>

Still I say 15 is too young to have a baby. I don't care what who or what says. It happens, yes. But that should be an everyday thing. What happened to you're grown at 18? Now our children are expected to adults... Then again.. It may just be by a few. I'm sure most of us still want to protect our teenage daughters.. Don't we? I don't know.. I guess the whole thing just left me feeling defeated and a little bit sad.

I always tell myself that I'm not going to get involved in controversial topics. I always end up just bowing out, but the frustration lingers and I end up going over it again and again for MONTHS!! I guess the BFN just kinda rubbed it in a little that old woman, you're out of your league. <_<

But of course I haven't given up, and I have every intention of seeing this through, and the opinion of so few is not going to change my mind. I do wish I could have been successful in my 20s but it just didn't work out that way. So now I'm in my 30s. I have a good 9 years left in them. Well, at least 8 years and some months. And if I can't do it then, MAYBE I'll consider just giving it up.. Or hell, maybe I'll be a mama in my 40s. Now 50s I don't know about all that. But I certainly don't tell anyone in their 50s to not try for that dream. It's just amazing. It's so easy to say things when you're on the other end of the spectrum. But when it's your time.. You feel totally different. I know I've made a lot of 180's myself in my life. Total turn arounds. :) They do happen.

Well, I guess I'm done ranting for now. I'm just gonna listen to some soothing music.. Surf the net for a bit. Maybe even stroll to nappturality for a minute.. Just for some hair stuff. :p

Renewed...

For some reason I'm totally renewed in my mission. For the last few weeks I've been wondering somewhat, why am I even bothering? This is just going to end in disappointment. But now, I feel renewed in the whole mission. Hooray! :p

I know my FertilAid is going to run out sometime this month, so I had to re up, but this time I decided to just buy the main ingredient. The Vitex and I got some Black Cohosh too, because I hear it is great for fertility and hormone balance in women. I started to get some stuff for hubby, but I'm not sure if he even has any problems in the male side of the equation. After all he has fathered a child before, I've never been pregnant. And if I was it didn't last long. I do feel I have been a couple of times at least, but I try not to think about that as I have no proof of such a thing. It would only upset me to think about it and having been rejuvenated in my quest, I don't want to get sad about ANYTHING!! I just want the positive vibes to just keep on flowing, and hopefully there'll be some baby dust out there that will just float on down to us with those vibes. :)

It's amazing all the emotional crap that goes with this journey. That's why I started this particular blog so I can capture all that and look back on it some day, hopefully with my little bundle napping next to me. I mean it has been a real ROLLERCOASTER just this past month. For being on cloud 9, to unsure, to pissed off, to hopeless (briefly.) To being on cloud 9 again. Well, actually this isn't like when I FIRST started trying. When I was like, alright.. I'll take the pills, we'll dance, we'll get pregnant.. Ba-da-bang, ba-da- boom.. Right? More like YEAH right. So I have come down enough to know it won't be that easy. But I'm still taking my supplements. FertilAid now, the Vitex after that. And the new Vitex, being pretty much all chasteberry, are more concentrated than the FertilAid with 800mg, where as in FertilAid the whole blend is only 770mg. So I'm feeling psyched about that. I got my Vitex on www.puritan.com I like their site because they are the cheapest on herbals and they are doing a buy one get 2FREE promo now. They are always at least giving you 2 for 1 on everything, and this was just the tops! I got both pills, a total of 9 bottles of product, for the price of ONE of the bottles of FertilAid. I say that's a deal. Now all I need to get is a cheap bottle of Pre Natal vitamins and I'll be set! I'll end up with the basis of FertilAid, for way WAY cheaper. I mean I think Sam's has a prenatal vitamin that's like 400 MILLION pills.. Like a whole damn VAT of pills for about $9. Can't beat that. Last time I bought them they were in a pink and white bottle, but probably not now. And why am I telling you? Maybe someone who reads this is ttc too, I don't know.


Well, I guess that's all for now. I just must say, I can't wait to post that BFP!!! LoL



*.*.*.BabyDust.*.*.*

Today.

I know I've been talking about taking it slow and letting the herbs work, but I want baby NOW!! LoL!! I know, I know. Great things are worth waiting for. I get that. And Clomid is something else making you have all them damn babies at one time. I will be stretching to afford on, but we'd live. Two? Three.. I'm not so sure about that.

Next think I've noticed is I've gotten cheap. Not really a thing for the ttc blog, but since I'm even applying it to the child to be, maybe it will fit. I have gotten cheap. Everything has to be on sale. I mean I shop, I just obsess with sales and coupons. I've never been this way. Before I didn't really think about price much. It can cost .10 or $10,000 and it was all the same. I guess that's good as I am an adult now and planning to expand my family. But it gets to be a drag. People are tired of hearing me nickle and dime things to death. LoL.. I guess I should lay off that a bit.

I don't really have much to say today. I think I got most of it out last post. But I probably will need to vent again eventually. :) All there is to report today is the cramping is continuing. I guess things are trying to regulate. As long as something is working, it's all good with me.... Though annoying. :p


*.*.*.BabyDust.*.*.*

This is so ANNOYING.. Well, not really. But still!!

But I'm sick of all these fake symptoms. I know they are fake. I have the same feelings everytime hubby and I ttc or I think I'm pregnant. Granted they are a little more persistant this time, mostly because I'm taking that supplement. It's like taking Clomid. Where you may feel some symptoms, you always get a BFN. And that one line on that stick just breaks you down. And I'm not trying to get broke down. Not this early on. This is just the first month. But when I take the test on the 12th of this month. It will be negative.. And I will be disapointed yet again. Even though I'm expecting it. it's so hard sometimes. I mean, everyone says think positive. Think positive. And I'm trying to. But I guess after all these years it's just hard. I got the first 'no baby' disapointment way back when I was 18. And it broke my heart then. But I was still positive.... Then in my 20's I got all those negatives too.. And I guess now 12 years later. it's just hard to expect a miracle. At least one for myself. I can believe in all the magic and miracles in the world for everyone else. When I'm rooting for someone in the ttc forums, i really do believe they will get that BFP and they'll be happy. Even if they have miscarriages. I believe they will recover and finally be happy with their new baby to come. But when it comes to believing it for myself... That's a bit harder. Hubby doesn't want me thinking about that kind of stuff.. Well, at least he doesn't want me telling him about it.. (Not really Mr. Kissy Kissy Goo-Goo, that man.) But I do think about it sometimes when I'm lying in bed. I mean I've gotten over being childless before. At one point I figured I'd just never have a child.. Not sure what made me try again, but I just got to thinking my babies deserve a chance to be born too. Even if I don't succeed, at least I tried. But I'm not even sure what made me think about that. I guess it was realizing I'm 31 and time does not stand still. And if I pass that window, I won't have another chance. And I'll have sealed it without even giving it an HONEST try. So I'm trying, damn it all.

Sometimes I almost cry. But I don't want to do that. Not sure what I think will happen if I do. Maybe I'm saving it for that string of negatives I'll likely get. Or maybe for the moment I just say screw it and give up. I'm not sure.. I guess I feel that I'm to the point of hopelessness when I cry about something. And I don't want to admit defeat just yet. And I feel it's way too soon to be falling apart. But I just feel so lonely sometimes. I know I have hubby. Lots of women are all alone raising children- even ttc, those using AI using a donor. So I am blessed in that sense, but when you still can't just talk to your SO about feelings, it still feels like you're alone. Don't get me wrong. Not saying he's distant and unfeeling. Just.. I need to talk about all those cushy feelings. Those lil' bitch ass feelings that tend to pop up in a female's mind. And maybe some men's minds too. it's unfair to think all men aren't emotional. (Yeah, I'm kinda a tomboy, so all these feelings are quite bitch in a sense to me. Though I am a very emotional person, I understand why men don't want to talk about these feelings, and they really do make me feel like a 'punk' sometimes.)

Oh well. These feelings tend to come and go. Sometimes I'm so hopeful.. Others I'm utterly hopeless. I guess it's hormonal or something. A girl thing. A human thing.. :)



Jen

Babies on the brain..

I forgot this was supposed to be Baby Week on the Discovery Health channel. I was planning to be PLANTED on that channel.. Well, actually I was, but I had FORGOTTEN it was baby week. LoL. I love watching these shows, but DH doesn't want my watching them so much because they show a lot of 'sick' babies on there. And things going wrong. I guess he has a point. when I do get pregnant I'll be scared that all this stuff is wrong with my baby. I do get paranoid about stuff like that.

But it's very interesting and the babies are so VERY cute. :) Love it!

Well, today I'm still feeling the stirrings that usually indicate that AF is on her way. Or something is on it's way. O_O It's just nice to feel that SOMETHING is happening, and though I refuse to get my hopes up so early on, it would be nice to get a BFP on the first try. I'm not looking for it to happen so quickly, but still.. It would be nice. I mean, I've actually been waiting for 11 years for this baby.. I think that's a long wait and it's not just "real quick" That's a long time. A time of sruggling, crying, giving up and then trying again.. I'm just hoping things work out for us this time. One good thing about this, since we decided to ttc again, I feel closer to him. Closer than I have in a while. Like we are actually sharing something.. Something special. I smile when I think about him now instead of just thinking "Oh.. Well HE'S here." <_< And it's pretty cool. I think, at least for a little while, this will draw us closer together. That is if I don't talk about it too much. That's why I started a blog and joined lists for support. He's not really a touchy feely kinda guy. So looking for him to understand when I'm upset or feeling down.. That isn't likely to happen, and I can accept that. But he normally gets upset when I join all those sites and stuff.. But not this time.. I guess this time is different in many ways. Maybe that means something. Hopefully 2009 will be the year our family grows.


*.*.*.BabyDust.*.*.*



Jen

Sleepy... Sooooo Sleepy..

I'm not sure if the pills are working and everything trying to kick in is making me so tired, or if I'm just a lazy li' git who just wants to sleep all day, but something is going on. LoL.. I hope the pills are working, and I do feel all the stirrings in my body that I was feeling when everything was working like it's supposed to. (Women know what I mean.. And I guess men who actually get involved with their lady have some idea. ) Hubby is being surprizingly laid back about all this. Normally he'll be bitchin' and moaning up a storm about me taking a supplement. (TRUST NO ONE AND NOTHING is his normal motto about natural remedies that he has never heard of. <_< If it ain't a chemical given by a doctor he is skeptically from JUMP.) But he's been nothing but supportive. Shocking.. For the longest time, and even now sometimes I think he doesn't want me to have his kids. Like I'm not good enough to be his baby's mamma. Like I can't possible live up to the first one... Or who EVER he's been comparing me to. But now.. Not sure. Sometimes he wants, sometimes he acts like he doesn't.. I don't know.. But until he out right says it.. I'm staying the course and we are makin' this baby..


Damn I'm tired!! I just can't get over how sleepy and tired I am today. It's just like it was Sunday.. I've been trying to stay awake, but I think I'mma go take me a little hour long nap. Maybe I'll be back to post more as it happens.. If not, see ya next time. :p

*.*.*.BabyDust.*.*.*

Jen

Jen

Little pains....

I have slight pains in my lower back and abdomen. I use to get them before AF showed her face around here. I'm not sure if it will actually start this month, but there is SOMETHING going on down there. :p Not sure if it's ovulation pains or just PAINS, but it hurts.. But not deathly pain, just a slight... crampy feeling.

I'm still taking my FertilAid, and shockingly hubby hasn't complained about me buying it. He did say I should just go get the Clomid though, which was like "What?" I guess he wants to use up that insurance. :p I do like to try the herbal remedy when I can. Not everyone gets that I guess. I still believe this product will work. Even if only slightly. I feel it will help my cycle straighten out. If it can do that, I'll be happy with it. Only thing is, I found more research on Vitex and it may take 18 MONTHS for that therapy to work and I was hoping to make something happen by the end of the year. No later than the new year. I know good things come to those who wait, we've been married for 11 years, and I'm 31 years old. I can't keep waiting. Maybe he is right. Maybe I should go for the hard stuff...

I've been feeling these mini tantrums brewing in me today. I'm relaxed and all, but sometimes it gets heavy and I JUST started trying this again.. Tantrums ALREADY?!! It's like even though I'm keeping the faith in The Almighty One,and my body to work with me,AND these herbs.. Still there's this doubt in my mind.. It's small, but it builds up sometimes. And I almost start crying. Weird. I wonder if this will get worse? It's not like it was when I was 20. Full of hopes for a brighter tomorrow. Just knowing you'll insert peg A into slot B and you'd get result C. It was that simple in my mind. You're married, you get the pills to get everything going, you have sex, you get pregnant.. End of story and you do that as many times as you want to. Now.. I've grown up.. Lived through some disappointments. Some hardships.. So I don't have as much faery dust in my eyes anymore. I know things can go wrong, and not everything works the way you want it to. But I have to suppress this idea because if I just lose hope.. It won't matter then, now will it?

But I'm trying to keep hope alive. And just pray it will happen. And all will be well with the world..


Well, at least as well as can be expected in my world. :)


Later!

*.*.*.BabyDust.*.*.*


Jen

Tired... Well more.. Sleep... :p

Man, I'm not sure if it's the FertilAid, or just this lazy hot summer Sunday, but I was so SLEEPY earlier. I remember when I started taking Clomid, I was so tired. Maybe it means the herbs are working. I feel really REALLY lazy.. But not depressed. Just... Relaxed.. In chill mode BIG time. If I lay down, I know I'll be sleep in 5 minutes. Comes in handy at night, though hubby and I are supposed to be doing the "BabyDance". But he's tired after work and this is just gonna put me to sleep. ^_^ Well, that's not a problem right now. I just started taking the pills, so they have to work anyway before we can look for results.

I'm hopeful and very encouraged that this product will work for us. I have to stay positive. It may take a while, but I feel it will work. In many ways, the Clomid is cheaper than the supplements. I have insurance, so it usually pays it. Last time it did. Well, maybe not. I'll have to actually add it all up and see. This is going to cost me like 50$ a month. With the doctor visits, I'd be paying..... Hmmm.. That ain't but like $30 a month.. But Clomid is so CHEMICAL.. I'm trying this because it's herbal. I have to keep that in mind.. Oh yeah, I'd have to get the Prevera too, so that more.. And that's if I can get it for $4 at Sams. I may have to pay MORE for it, so I don't know.. :) Anyway I'm feeling this FertilAid. I'm starting to feel like I did when I was taking the Prevera.. All the slight cramping telling me it wouldn 't be long before "Aunt Flo" shows her face around here. Slight back ache. If it works this fast they DEFINATELY have a customer for life. (They sell products for pregnancy and breast feeding as well.)

My hopes are not UP, but I am hopeful. :)


Well, that's it for now. More to come later. :) (*Thinking about when I can start my baby Fotki album. and smiling.*)

Later,


Jen

Day One... And TWO. :p

Well, this is my second day taking both pills together and I already feel a little different. I'm calmer I've noticed. And I kinda feel stirrings in the baby region. :p I know it's probably psychological, as no drug works in one day's dose. But something is better than nothing.

I guess my body knows I'm trying to do something about my situation and it may want to work with me. Now if my mind will work with me. :) Me and hubby gotta start BD'ing so we can start step two of this journey.

More later. It's started lightning down here. And I ain't trying to get struck trying to type. :p LoL


*.*.*.BabyDust.*.*.*

Update!!!

The FertilAid came TODAY!! I was looking for it to be late as usual from Amazon.com- Well, not LATE, just on the last day of the time frame. Well, good for the 'fertility companies' that sell the products. They don't bull**** around!! As far as ease of ordering and shipment time, they have my business.. Now for the workings of the products.. I don't know. At first all I found were rave reviews, now I'm finding reviews that say anything from "No way will I buy it again, as I've been taking it for 5 months." To "Nothing yet, but still trying." To "It will regulate your periods, but nothing else yet.." Those reviews sound more likely, but I would like to give it 3 months before going to hard core drugs and treatments. I'm hoping this will work. I took my first dose as soon as I got it out of the mail box. (And damn was that a fight. That little "MailGal" CRAMMED the box in my mail box. LoL.. I don't even see how she got it in there as I'm about 100 heavier than she is and I almost had to tear the mail box down to get the package out!! LoL!! )

Anyway, I guess my journey officially began today. All the 'drugs' are in me, and now all that's left is for me and the DH to do some BabyDancing.. :)

*.*.*.*BabyDust*.*.*.*


Jen

Got Part of my Order...

Well, yesterday I DID get part of my order. The test strips and my FERTILECM (I been callin' it 'FertilCM'.. Honest mistake. ) I was glad to just get that part.. Now all I'm missing is the FertilAid and I'll be set, but I already started taking the FertileCM and I'm not sure, but I think it DOES make you nauseous. I'm not already pregnant. I took my 'base line' test this morning and no question about it.. It was NEGATIVE. I wasn't really looking for a positive, but you're always hopeful when your periods are missing and you want a baby. But it's not the let down I've been having, since I was not really looking to get a BFP that time. So I'm not that down about it.. Still there is that little pang and it does set the tone for the day sort of. Far as my nausea, it may have something to do with my heavily onioned chicken sandwich lunch. :p Yeah, I notice if I'm full, I feel like crap. I have to use that to my advantage as far as weight loss. Full bad.. Comfortable and hydrated.. VERY good.

How am I feeling.. Kind of emotional. I think it's part of the unbalanced hormones going on in me. And the hope of this new baby... And reading all the happy reviews on FertilAid's site, made me kinda teary earlier today. It happens sometimes. I had to catch myself, but I was just so happy for those people who are getting a positive after TTC for so long. It was moving. Very moving. So I got weepy. I guess that's normal when you read about people who are a lot like you. Also, I notice that I feel connected to all women now. Well, all mothers anyway. All women trying to become mothers. Regardless to race or beliefs. We're all the same. We want our babies to be born and be born HEALTHY.. And for those babies to be safe. And that connects us. And that relaxes my mind. Makes me feel more at one with the greatest mother of all.. The Earth.. The Universe.. With just the IDEA of being a mother, I feel more intune with everything. Sweetness. :)

Well, I guess that's it for now. I'll be glad when these Baby Chronicles have a baby to talk about. I don't care if it's a girl or a boy. I'd rather a girl in a way because I have sisters and I'm a girl. Raised in a house fulla girls and women. I kinda know what to do with a girl. A little boy would be new.. My father died when I was 8 and my mom's boyfriends for the most part were creeps, so my male impression isn't the best. Not that I'd hate my son, of course not! I'd love him as I would a daughter and he does have his father to help raise him.. I'd just feel closer to a girl cause she'd be mommy's little Mini Me, so to speak. I mean I'd be ok if my little boy was a Mini Me, but I'd prefer he NOT be.. :p At this point, as long as it has 10 finger, 10 toes on two feet and hands distributed evenly of course. :p And be healthy.. I am in love.

OK, now that's all for the day. :) Hopefully my FertilAid will get here today. But I'm looking for it to be here the 16th like they said. They love to use that 'last day'.. Especially since I think it's coming from Amazon.com. <_<


Jen