After the Storm...

First, I need to correct my last post. He's always said I WOULDN'T make a good mother. I reread that and was like "When did he ever say I WOULD be a good mother?!" Ah, those angry posts. So incorrect. :p

Anyway. I'm feeling much better. I hate to keep taking you guys on this sling shot ride. I'm sick of going in it myself. After reading me, of course you know I want a baby. I'll never stop WANTING one. I'll never stop PLANNING for one. Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever GET one. But the WANTING never goes away. I still get "symptoms". Still get hopeful every month. I guess some dreams are just too important to let go.

As for stability, hell who IS sane enough to raise a stable child? We all have our quirks. Our insanities. So did our parents and most of us still, some how survived. I would make a good mom and I don't think I should give up on it just yet. As for him, well. I guess he can teach the kid something. If nothing else, how to be tough and stubborn as hell. :) Maybe with me constantly pumping kindness and understanding in Kiddo's little brain it might actually strike some sort of balance. That or create a TOTAL psycho, which in this crazy world, would fit in perfectly. :)

So the Doctor's appointment is still on, though I don't know if I like that "Women's Center". But DH says to give them a try. $200 is a hell of a try. But if it's worth it, I'll have no more complaints. They seem kind of condesending, in my oppinion. But as always, we shall see. :)

Well that's it for now. Crisis averted. Still smokefree. Still, mostly, on track. :)

Jen

That's it...

I've been wanting to be a mommy for the last 18 years.. Since I was 14.. I got married almost 12 years ago... My husband has always said i would be a good mother.. And honestly.. I think he's right. As long as I want to be with him, I can't. I have many different views on things than he has. And as a pair, we can't raise a stable child.. So I am giving up my quest on having a child. It was my last dream. My last goal. It was the last thing other than world peace that I wanted. If we are to stay together, a child just will never be in the works. I could push it. And get the treatments, but I'd just end up with a kid as messed up as I am. And now I grieve.. I am so sad right now that I just don't want to live... But I will go on. I will continue on. In the back of my heart, I pray this isn't what The Almighty wants for me, but if it is, I will accept it. My heart is very heavy.. I am damaged.. And I don't know how I will push past this...

Jen

The Back And Forth..

I HATE the back and forth.. I want a baby with all my heart, and DH ACTS like he does too.. But then we get into an arguement. Like yesterday. Basically he said I was HOT when i WAS 16. But NOW, I'm bigger, so I'm not cute anymore. I was so hurt. Not that that was the the first time he'd crushed my soul with his heartless words. I honestly don't think he SEES how hurtful they are.. Sometimes I just wish I could transfer the pain for a few minutes to him and let him FEEL how hurtful his words are.

And there comes the back and forth. Should we have kids? I mean we don't even get along with EACH OTHER.. How will a baby fit into all this? But I'm almost 32.. I can't keep putting it off. I want a baby. I always HAVE. But obviously I'm not leaving him, as I haven't yet.. And if I give up on a baby.. I'll be bitter.. Resentful.. That CAN'T be good for my spirit.. I have an appointment. Luckily Fertility treatments are seperate from the whole menstral regulation treatment. So I have a bit of time to think. I guess I'll work on my reproductive health and see where that leads me. Instead of just going for the Clomid right away. Hmmm..

On a good note, DH bought me a white topaz bracelet/earring set. It is very beautiful. I'll try to get some pics up soon if I don't forget. I'm wearing the earrings now. Said I'd keep em in, but I feel kinda like a shmuck.. I haven't worn something as girly as earrings in quite some years. Still, they are pretty. And he seems rather happy that I like them, so I'll try to get use to this one girly thing. :) I was pretty much broke this year, but I got him a subscription to Penthouse Letters Magazine.. He should get it by Valentines day.. JUST as he feels like he's getting nothing. LoL.. And in perfect time.. I got to the doctor in January and maybe Penthouse will give him the little boost he needs for some baby making. Yeah, I know.. But desperate times call for desperate measures!! AND, did I mention.. I quit smoking...

I'm 12 days clean of smoking. I feel better.. I'm not as nauseated from that taste in my mouth.. That's pretty much all for now. I haven't been quit long enough to get the real benefits. Those start at like a month +.. But I look forward to them. The healthy energy that comes with being a non smoker. :)


Oh and the COOKING.. I have.. Glazed ham, Collard greens ( I SELL em so you know I have to have some left.), green bean casserole, mashed sweet potatoes and cranberry sauce.. Just absolutely YUMMY. I am gonna eat and slip into a food coma.. LoL!

Well, that's it for now. I hope everyone has been having a happy holiday season. For the Solstice, I walked in the woods and got my nature on.. It was so peaceful out there.. But now, being a Christian/Wiccan with Buddhist tendencies.. I have to get my grub on for Christmas. :)

Jen

Follow me on Twitter!!

Appointment made!!

Well I made the phone call and my appointment to see the Ob/Gyn and it's set for January 26. I'm still keeping my quit date the same as before, Dec 22.

On the FAIL tip, I was so nervous on the phone I came off as an unemployed, uninsured, unfit LOSER!! truth is I AM employed, as I own a business and hell credit makes the world go round. So I can pay the $200. I hope they are worth the money, cause I am SO not afraid to shop around. ;) but whatever damage I did on the phone, I can fix when I get there.

This was just a short update. I don't really have any REAL news today. Maybe later. OH, I forgot to post that my biological mom died about 2 weeks ago. Like Nov 27th I think. But now my sisters and I are trying to get closer cause life is so short. And now I have that extra support with my fertility problems- I can always use that. I am hopeful that the treatment will work- I just hope they'll treat me!! Gotta sound more fit when I meet the doctor. :) I am SOOO nervous.

Breathing.... Calming..... Breaths...

:p

Jen

This is it!!

After a very difficult BFN last month, I decided to just go for treatment and just get the pills. Get the Clomid and Provera and go from there. I wanted it to be natural from beginning to end, but I'm going to have to take a medical detour. I'm not getting any younger and this isn't going to get any easier.

So here I am.. Waiting to start fertility treatments. Dec 16 or 22 depending which appointment is available. Shockingly, DH is happy about it. Not sure if je really is happy or if he's just glad I'm doing something "normal". Not all that herbal "crap" I tend to like to do. I love doing things herbally and with meditation. But I'm not opposed to western medicine. Just western attitudes. But I'll take the western medicine and still burn my incense and meditate. Theres no law against it.

The hard thing I have to do though is quit smoking. I am so not ready for that!! LoL! But it must b done. I've decided to quit when I start taking the pills. Some of it is due to that new commercial http://tobaccofreeflorida.com has where the woman gets a BFP and there's smoke around her head and then it was around her baby's head. The rest is due to the fact that I'm just sick of smoking but the addiction keeps me lighting up. The patch wouldn't do me much good cause a good portion of my addiction is just the habit of smoking and you can't smoke a patch or gum. So those aids won't help much. I'd benefit more from support groups, journaling,and blogging. Not to mention twittering. DH isn't the "support" type and his "encouragement" is usually so frank it comes across kinda mean. So that's not gonna help. Luckily my iPhone is always with me and I usually always have a some Internet connection, so I'll be able to blog or Twitter. I should be ok. Though it will still be hard, I have some time, as fertility treatments rarely work immediately. I think the sooner that ball gets rolling the better. Don't wanna have a smokey baby. :p

well I guess that's pretty much it for now. Good thing is I'm more focused on the baby now- or rather, I'm focused again on it. :)

More as it becomes available.

Jen

I posted this on http://babyandbump.com


I was just thinking about all I have to do emotionally and physically on this ttc journey. Quit smoking ( I have 2packs left and a piece) start walking foe exercise and drink more water. (ALWAYS more water. I only drink water, but I could still drink more. ) I could stand to lose some weight.

Spiritually I have work to do. Lots of work. But I've touched Zen before. At first when I fell, I thought it was the end of the world. But now I know that maybe it wasn't time to attain enlightenment right then, but to just TOUCH it. And know how good it felt. How free and new. And how I needed to arrange my life and mind to fit Zen. Enlightenment. I need to nurse my spirit back to health.

As for the baby. Well first I have to make the baby. But aside from that, I know I want a natural birth. Not a FREEbirth necessarily, but as natural as possible. I frequent the freebirthing site just to learn all I can. And just incase have to deliver alone!! It's good information to have. I'd like a midwife, but I kinda want to deliver in a hospital. Wonder if you can do both? Did I mention i want to deliver in water? Well I do!

I know I want to breastfeed. I want to wear my baby as much as possible. And co sleep. (same room very near each other. )

these are the things I think about.
************

I actually tested twice this cycle!! That's it I'm taking a break from the stick in October!! So my next test will be November 12th. I hope it's a BFP!!!


Jen

Damn this is getting old.

Well another test and another BF stinkin N! I was so hoping this month would be the one. I had so many symptoms. Nausea, fatigue, a weird head cold that lasted 1day. Backache. Appetite change-or cravings. I was so sure. Now I'm all depresssed. That's all the hell I need. When is the Universe going to send me my little one? I know all things come in time. I just hope my time is soon. I'm tired of crying every time I see that single line mocking me.

Jen