Damn.....

My sister is pregnant.. Well, she's pretty sure she is.. Not sure if I should be telling yall that yet, but I really am happy for her. She wants a baby girl. She already has 2 sons. She wasn't really TRYING to get pregnant, it just kind of happened.. She wasn't trying NOT to get pregnant. She's really happy and so am I and our other sister. We're hoping she'll get that beautiful baby girl this time.. Surely she'll be spoiled rotten..

And as my baby sister said, now it's my turn.... And that being said... Wonder when will it BE my turn? I wish it was now... LoL! I have lots of symptoms, but my mind plays tricks on me all the time as every ttc'er will attest to. I took a OPK test and saw two lines in that.. One dark one not as dark.. But it was a digital test and the display said there was no ovulation. Wish I could just waste a test I'd just put water on the stick and see if that line was still there.. The faint one that is, not the base line.. The test line I guess it was... I've heard people using OPK sticks to test for pregnancy. But I would never make myself crazy doing that. I'll buy a real test, but I'm not using it until I get ready to use my Provera. That's excuse to buy and take the test, so DH won't harass me with all the whys and I will have an excuse to POAS. And we will use any excuse to do that.


I just watched a video of my friend Jen on The Today Show in a segment about over sharing in the baby blogs and twitter and youtube.. Personally as I have a no issue with people sharing things on youtube, twitter, blogger- WHERE EVER!! I love hearing and reading about people's joy. And trying to help them through rough patches.. And hopefully seeing that things turned out OK for them makes me feel better. I don't think we share enough of the good stuff in American society. We hear bad news all day long, see crappy reality shows about idiots, not to mention all the morons we work with day in and day out.... So after being exposed to all that bad stuff... What's wrong with being exposed to someone gushing about their baby bump, or their positive preggy test. Or swollen ankles.. Being pregnant is a wonderful thing!! And it should be shared. Shouted from the roof tops!! (If you're that type..) It's good for your health even. :)

When I'm finally pregnant, The Almight will know first, Then Me, Then DH, My family, and right after that... Twitterverse, My blog reader, and other internet friends will be knowing.. And The Baby Chronicles will be a pregnancy blog.. Then a baby blog.. So I'll be sharing my jolly butt off! LOL!!

Well, anyway.. That's pretty much it.. Just thought I'd chime in for the week... And who knows? Maybe there will be more to share this weekend. :)

Jen

Ok, I'm just rambling today...

LoL!! I don't really have much to add, but I wanted to come here more since DH is working weekends some weeks now and I'm alone here... So no lookie-Loos over my shoulder.. DH knows I blog, but he really doesn't take things the way he SHOULD take them.. As in.. This is my blog.. I may blog about you... If you can't handle that.. Don't go snoopin' in my damned blog.. LoL!!

Anyway, I haven't taken The Provera yet. I had a lot of spotting over the last month and I'm wondering if it's my body trying to regulate itself. I think there is a connection between body fat and PCOS. Or at least mine.. I thought it was just weight related. BUT maybe it's the excess FAT, not weight.. When I lost weight, my fat went down as well as my weight.. Lately I've been doing a LOT more physical activity and have been trimming down. Now I'm not SLIM and trim just yet, but still I noticed the spotting started when I noticed the toning.. So.. Here's hoping that A. I'll tone up more and B. I'll stay active enough to keep trimming down and C. That will lead to a Mini.. :)

Like I said not much to add today.. Just checking in..

Jen

Got Meds????

I do.. I went to the doctor for eczema medication for my hands and just asked for something to get me "regular" that's not birth control and he gave me 2 cycles of Provera.. Neat. :) I know it won't regulate me but it's a start I guess. I actually have some Clomid here somewhere, but being the procrastinators we are and the pack rats to boot.. I have no idea where it is. But eventually I'll find it. I won't take it right away though. I COULD take it, but I'm not sure DH is ready to start trying THAT actively just yet. I mean, if I could be pregnant like RIGHT NOW, I would be totally over the moon!! LoL!! We all know that. Not saying DH would be NOT happy.. I just don't think he's ready to push it just yet.. So I'll save my Clomid for another time. Anyway, the general physician said he'd send me to an ob/gyn if the two cycles don't regulate me. But even with all this, I'm hoping to have that BFP by the end of the year.. Hoping.. :) Will I? Who knows, but here's hoping and praying.. I'll POAS before taking the Provera, just to be sure.. (And hoping for an already BFP..) I've been having loads of spotting lately. Even a really.. REALLY light AF.. I mean REALLY light. And you know what all us TTC gals hope for every time we get weird symptoms.. (BFP!!! I keep saying it cause I'm REALLY hoping for it.. LoL!!)

Mean while, I've been planing like crazy. Will I cloth diaper? Breastfeed? (Definately) Baby Carrying? (Oh yeah...) Co Sleep? (Same room, maybe not same bed though.) There's lots to plan. Cloth diapering is a great thing and you're helping the environment and all that, but I'm probably not going to do it. It's pretty expensive to start and I'd be a damned miracle worker to talk DH into spending $130 plus in one lump for some diapers! He's actually already said not likely, so with that I won't push it.. However, those flushable diapers sound like a great idea.. Keeps poop out of the trash and out of landfills... Out of the ground water.. I think it's just a liner that goes in the diaper.. Though how AWESOME would a stand alone flushable diaper be?!

Well, I guess that's all for now.. More to come...


Jen

Yep... It's ticking louder than ever....

Since going back to work, I was back to just not preventing. Of course there was nothing to PREVENT, so.. You know... But now, I've turned another year older, and that darned baby clock is tick tick tocking again.. At 33, I know time is NOT standing still.. DH is.. Well, wishy washy at best. Our finances are not stellar, but I can't wait til I'm rich to get pregnant. I have to take the chance.. Likely it will take time.. Maybe YEARS, so why not start trying again now...

I'm pretty sure I have PCOS. I have all the signs of it. The excess bleeding during an ovulation challenge with Provera, the excess hair in... PLACES... The weight thing.. I have all the signs so I have to treat that first... See.. It will take time.. We have time to make a dollar if that's his worry.. :)

I have to lose some weight.. Yes, that is the bulk of my problem. When I gain weight, my periods stop.. Yes.. STOP.. All together.. I lose it, they start back on their "regular" 45 day cycle. Long, but like CLOCK work. Still, no babies.. I was "normal" weight for about a year, and nothing. So that's not the ONLY problem, but a good doctor and we'll find all the details. I was taking herbs, but got that killer stomach ache and had to chill on those for a while. And now I have no idea what I did with them!!! UGH, so I have to buy more at some point, but for now.. The fertility diet is the plan..

Let me tell ya.. I HATE dieting like the dickens.. I mean, who doesn't.. But I REALLY have an aversion to it!! I guess it's mental. Like telling me to diet is saying that there's nothing more to women than what the look like? Than what size they wear? Are we just pretty things to have until we get fat or old? Then just be tossed away for the newest better model? I mean I have some REAL psychological issues!! LoL! But I guess this is worth the dieting.. Or at least healthy eating plan and a little exercise. I mean, it's my baby I'm working for. Not some man.. :)

OK, enough crazy rantings. This is just me saying that I'm getting actively back into baby making... There... I said it.. :p

Jen

After the Storm...

First, I need to correct my last post. He's always said I WOULDN'T make a good mother. I reread that and was like "When did he ever say I WOULD be a good mother?!" Ah, those angry posts. So incorrect. :p

Anyway. I'm feeling much better. I hate to keep taking you guys on this sling shot ride. I'm sick of going in it myself. After reading me, of course you know I want a baby. I'll never stop WANTING one. I'll never stop PLANNING for one. Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever GET one. But the WANTING never goes away. I still get "symptoms". Still get hopeful every month. I guess some dreams are just too important to let go.

As for stability, hell who IS sane enough to raise a stable child? We all have our quirks. Our insanities. So did our parents and most of us still, some how survived. I would make a good mom and I don't think I should give up on it just yet. As for him, well. I guess he can teach the kid something. If nothing else, how to be tough and stubborn as hell. :) Maybe with me constantly pumping kindness and understanding in Kiddo's little brain it might actually strike some sort of balance. That or create a TOTAL psycho, which in this crazy world, would fit in perfectly. :)

So the Doctor's appointment is still on, though I don't know if I like that "Women's Center". But DH says to give them a try. $200 is a hell of a try. But if it's worth it, I'll have no more complaints. They seem kind of condesending, in my oppinion. But as always, we shall see. :)

Well that's it for now. Crisis averted. Still smokefree. Still, mostly, on track. :)

Jen

That's it...

I've been wanting to be a mommy for the last 18 years.. Since I was 14.. I got married almost 12 years ago... My husband has always said i would be a good mother.. And honestly.. I think he's right. As long as I want to be with him, I can't. I have many different views on things than he has. And as a pair, we can't raise a stable child.. So I am giving up my quest on having a child. It was my last dream. My last goal. It was the last thing other than world peace that I wanted. If we are to stay together, a child just will never be in the works. I could push it. And get the treatments, but I'd just end up with a kid as messed up as I am. And now I grieve.. I am so sad right now that I just don't want to live... But I will go on. I will continue on. In the back of my heart, I pray this isn't what The Almighty wants for me, but if it is, I will accept it. My heart is very heavy.. I am damaged.. And I don't know how I will push past this...

Jen

The Back And Forth..

I HATE the back and forth.. I want a baby with all my heart, and DH ACTS like he does too.. But then we get into an arguement. Like yesterday. Basically he said I was HOT when i WAS 16. But NOW, I'm bigger, so I'm not cute anymore. I was so hurt. Not that that was the the first time he'd crushed my soul with his heartless words. I honestly don't think he SEES how hurtful they are.. Sometimes I just wish I could transfer the pain for a few minutes to him and let him FEEL how hurtful his words are.

And there comes the back and forth. Should we have kids? I mean we don't even get along with EACH OTHER.. How will a baby fit into all this? But I'm almost 32.. I can't keep putting it off. I want a baby. I always HAVE. But obviously I'm not leaving him, as I haven't yet.. And if I give up on a baby.. I'll be bitter.. Resentful.. That CAN'T be good for my spirit.. I have an appointment. Luckily Fertility treatments are seperate from the whole menstral regulation treatment. So I have a bit of time to think. I guess I'll work on my reproductive health and see where that leads me. Instead of just going for the Clomid right away. Hmmm..

On a good note, DH bought me a white topaz bracelet/earring set. It is very beautiful. I'll try to get some pics up soon if I don't forget. I'm wearing the earrings now. Said I'd keep em in, but I feel kinda like a shmuck.. I haven't worn something as girly as earrings in quite some years. Still, they are pretty. And he seems rather happy that I like them, so I'll try to get use to this one girly thing. :) I was pretty much broke this year, but I got him a subscription to Penthouse Letters Magazine.. He should get it by Valentines day.. JUST as he feels like he's getting nothing. LoL.. And in perfect time.. I got to the doctor in January and maybe Penthouse will give him the little boost he needs for some baby making. Yeah, I know.. But desperate times call for desperate measures!! AND, did I mention.. I quit smoking...

I'm 12 days clean of smoking. I feel better.. I'm not as nauseated from that taste in my mouth.. That's pretty much all for now. I haven't been quit long enough to get the real benefits. Those start at like a month +.. But I look forward to them. The healthy energy that comes with being a non smoker. :)


Oh and the COOKING.. I have.. Glazed ham, Collard greens ( I SELL em so you know I have to have some left.), green bean casserole, mashed sweet potatoes and cranberry sauce.. Just absolutely YUMMY. I am gonna eat and slip into a food coma.. LoL!

Well, that's it for now. I hope everyone has been having a happy holiday season. For the Solstice, I walked in the woods and got my nature on.. It was so peaceful out there.. But now, being a Christian/Wiccan with Buddhist tendencies.. I have to get my grub on for Christmas. :)

Jen

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