Well it was bound to happen sooner or later.

 All these years of hoping trying and ending up in tears. And it's finally come. The day to just call it quits. 

  This decision didn't come easy. A baby was my last standing wish for my life. My final goal. So that was tough. Not to mention the love I already have for this little one. Like he/she exists. Somewhere.  It was not easy. 

  Now, I'm not saying I don't still want children. I do. But I'm done trying. Done getting my hopes up only to have them come crashing down on hard jagged rocks. If it happens it happens. If not., well. It didn't. 

Now comes the grieving period. The loss of my dreams and my hopes for my little one. I doubt this will be easy. Even now that I'm putting it in this blog post, I don't think my heart really believes what my mind is saying. I've wanted this child since I was 17. That's 20 years. So it's not easy to give up. To say "That's it!! I can't do this anymore." 

  So. Until further notice, I'm out of the TTC game. But don't you give up. This is just my situation and after actually trying for the last 17 years with my husband and still nothing, this is NOT typical! Your chances are likely much better than ours were. Don't give up hope. .•*•.BabyDust.•*•. Still goes out to you!!

  On a lighter note, we've decided to adopt a kitten. I'll probably start a blog about that. Something light hearted and fun about our little kitty. I'll come back with the link as soon as it's ready. 

~*J

So..

Well so far, I'm just starting Vitex so I'm taking my Vitex and one Geritol a day. I was already taking the Geritol. I keep forgetting, however to take my temperature!!! Ugh! I'll remember for a few days. Even a week. Then I'll just forget. It's frustrating but I know it's worth it to keep trying. 

It helps that DH is interested in the baby now. However I kinda wonder why now? I guess with his illness this would be a sign of virility. How better to prove your manliness than to fertilize your waiting woman?! LoL. I don't know. It just seems like other times were better to get involved than now. Healthier times. I don't know. Only he knows the answer to that one. Maybe it is my feeling that the baby might be a boy. It would be his only son, so. Hey, I'm not looking a gift horse in the mouth!! (Crazy ass expression! Why the hell would I?!! LoL!) I'm glad to have him on board at last!  Maybe we can make this happen finally.

There's not much to tell today, but I'm  going to try to post almost daily. Even if just to say "not yet!" Or "took my meds" Or "It was POSITIVE!!!" Some day. 

But for now, the journey to mommyhood. 

.*•*.*•*.*•*.*•BabyDust.*•*.*•*.*•*.*•*.*•.

~J     

Well time to get started.

Vitex, that is. I've had an unstable temperature spike, but this is day 98 of my cycle. I was going to wait until day 100, but I'm pretty sure my cycles have decided to quit again. For one, I've gained so much WEIGHT since I quit the job. And when I gain weight I often lose my cycle as well. So a weight loss is definitely called for. This is why I almost don't need a diagnosis of PCOS, all I need is a check up to make SURE it's not something else. 

So, tomorrow is day 99. I'll be starting a day early, but that ok, as I know I'm not ovulating right now (negative OPT) and I don't think my period was "on the way". And I know I'm not pregnant because we haven't had much sex lately. We wanted to temp and get a baseline first. With DH's difficulties it's a lot less stress on him to not waste effort on a non productive cycle. (That sounded bad, I know. But trust me, it's ok. ) 

Honestly I was on the verge of giving up or at least just.. I don't know. I was starting to grieve. Grieve for the babies I'd never be able to have. I still WANT a baby, but after so long you start to think.. Maybe it's not going to happen. 

I tried to adopt a puppy, but $100 is NOT what I remember!! When I had dogs, they were free! LoL! So... But it was kinda devastating. I was like, GOD I'm not even worthy of a DOG!! (Hey I was in a dark place that day!!) 

I was about to tap out. 

Then we were at the laundromat (my dryer is on the fritz as well. *sigh* it never ends sometimes!!) and I saw this tiny little sock someone had left behind. It was so adorable. I mentioned to DH that it was so little and cute. And what he said would be insignificant to a person who doesn't know the TTC struggle, but to ME it was everything. 

He looked at the sock and said "That's how little your baby's sock is gonna be." And just walked off like it was just the normal thing to say.. Like, it's gonna happen so he wasn't  worried about it. LoL! And that little thing gave me so much hope. I felt renewed in this journey again. He has no idea how much that little sentence help pull me back in the ring and helped me to keep going. 

And I'm not gonna tell him because he'll ruin it.. LoL! 

Anyway, this is the Vitex I will be using

I got it at Amazon, I forget the cost. It's cheaper at Puritan's Pride though I do remember that. I'm pretty sure it's all pretty much the same. Last time I was taking this, I combined it with Black Cohosh and it was working I guess. I did get a period here and there as I remember, but I got this awful stomachache and had to stop taking it. I had PLENTY left over, but lost the bottles in our 2 moves since then, actually now 3 moves. So I had to buy more, sans the black cohosh. 

I actually got an awesome tip from a former TTC'er turned Mommy about FertilAid/Vitex. There are many tales of women having success with the herb, only to have it ripped away in a miscarriage. The reason seems to be the sudden stop of the supplement. She said she takes the herb for the first 12 weeks, then weans off quickly. Or the first 8 weeks.. I'll have to look it up again. But the point is to keep taking it until the placenta takes over and starts producing it's own hormones. Then you wean off. Before that you progesterone levels may drop and you'll miscarry. It's just one person's advice but it kind of proved my suspicion and I thought about doing the same. And her theory is sound and the proof is 2 healthy children. So. it's worth a shot. 

So, yeah. Basically I'm starting my holistic fertility treatments tomorrow. :)

.*•*.•*•.•*•.BabyDust.•*•*•.•*•.•*•.

~J

Oh The Waiting!!

  And waiting.... And waiting.. AND WAITING!!! *sigh* 

It's times like this that extremely long cycles really SUCK! With a 46 day long cycle that sometimes skips a cycle or two you have nearly 100 days before you know that it's time to take the next step. In my case, starting Vitex. Right now I'm at day 89. 2 missed cycles is day 92. So I'm almost there. I plan to wait until after day 100 before starting the drug. 

I think my missed cycles are skipping also because of my recent weight gain. Since my husband and I began working for ourselves, we aren't as active as we use to be and that has lead to a bit if a weight gain. I know that once my weight gets to a certain point, my cycles skip or STOP! So that's something to take care of. Honestly I would like to lose a good 50lbs. It sounds like a lot, but at my weight that huge loss would just put me at my norm- about 170. So, that sounds great. :) I recently got a book called "The 17 Day Diet" by Dr. Mike Moreno. I received it through Swaggable, a sampling group that I am a part of. I haven't had time to actually read it. I don't go for fad diets anymore, but a nice jumpstart might be be just what I need right now. My sister wants to go on a diet also, so maybe I'll at least have a diet buddy. 

  Well, that's it for now. More once I get this officially started. :)

Thanks for reading. :)

~J

Vitex.. Is it safe?

Are you thinking if taking Vitex? Read this article. Makes me feel pretty good about taking it!! 

.•*•.•*•.BabyDust.•*•.•*•.•*•.•*

Vitex.... Fertility Super Herb?

By Hethir Rodriguez 

 http://natural-fertility-info.com/vitex

Vitex is a beautiful shrub native to Greece and Italy whose berries have been used in herbal medicine for centuries. It is considered one of the most popular herbs in Europe and other Western nations for the support of gynecological imbalances.

Modern clinical research and traditional use of vitex have shown its amazing ability to help balance fertility hormones. Since vitex does not contain hormones it has a supportive, gentle and non direct action on the body. Vitex is one of the most useful fertility herbs available to us.

How Vitex Works

Our current understanding of vitex is that it has a supporting and regulating effect upon the pituitary gland. The pituitary is known as the “master gland” because it controls many vital bodily functions such sending chemical signals to the ovaries, telling them how much hormones to make. This communication is known as the hormonal feedback loop.

Vitex has been shown in studies to:

Vitex is one of the best fertility herbs available to us when it comes to balancing hormones and regulating the menstrual cycle.

Inhibit follicle-stimulating hormone (FSH): Vitex increases the secretion of luteinising hormone (LH), which in turn increases progesterone.

Lengthens a short luteal phase:Studies have shown vitex to be affective at lengthening the luteal phase. While it does not contain any hormones itself, it does help the body to increase its own production of luteinizing hormone (promoting ovulation to occur) which in turns boosts progesterone levels during the luteal phase of the cycle.

Increased progesterone levels: Vitex has been shown to stimulate the formation of the corpus luteum. The corpus luteum is responsible for the secretion of progesterone. In a study of 45 women, 86% responded positively with normalized or significantly improved progesterone levels.

Reduces advancement of mild endometriosis: Vitex is used in Germany by gynecologists to treat mild endometriosis and prevent it from advancing.

May help prevent miscarriage: Vitex has a beneficial impact on progesterone levels. If miscarriages are due to low progesterone, vitex may help to normalize or increase progesterone levels. Vitex may be considered safe to use during pregnancy, but make sure to consult with a healthcare practitioner when using this herb during pregnancy. Also make sure to read our ‘Use During Pregnancy’ section below.

Relieves PMS: Clinical research has shown that vitex may be very beneficial for PMS symptoms, especially depression, headaches, rashes, acne, allergies and sensitivity of the breasts. In one study improvement of PMS by the first month was experienced by 32% of the women. By the third month 84% of the women experienced improvement of their PMS.

Lack of menstruation (amenorrhea): In a study of 15 women with amenorrhea, 65% had resumed a menstrual cycle by the sixth month of use. Progesterone levels also increased.

Irregular menstruation: Vitex has been shown to help balance both an absent menstrual cycle as well as aid a menstrual cycle that is heavy or too frequent.

Uterine cysts: Vitex has been found to be helpful at reducing cysts that are growing within the smooth muscle layer of the uterus.

Stabilization of menstruation after stopping birth-control pills: After discontinuing estrogen-containing birth control pills, vitex taken for several months has been shown to help stabilize the cycle and induce ovulation more quickly.

Helps stimulate milk production in new mothers: For over 2,000 years vitex has been used to help stimulate mother’s milk. Begin using vitex right after birth and continue for 10 days or more as needed.

Acne: Several studies have shown an improvement in the skin with the use of vitex. Along with appropriate diet changes vitex may help acne.

Vitex can help basically any issues that one experiences that disappear once pregnancy begins and returns after breastfeeding ends.

How to Use Vitex

For optimal results vitex should be taken long-term. Clinical research shows that vitex may start working within 10 days, but full benefits may not be experienced until 6 months or longer. For PMS results are normally seen by the second menstrual cycle. But for lasting changes it may need to be taken for up to a year or more depending on how long the imbalance has been present.

Vitex is making fundamental changes in the delicate chemical chemistry of the body, this is why it takes some time to have an effect. Since vitex is a harmonizing and nourishing herb, it works  behind the scenes to restore balance in a gentle way. Unlike a refined synthetic drug which forces the body to change, vitex works to nourish and support the system bringing about long term balance.

Vitex use & Dosage
Vitex is generally suggested to be taken once a day in the morning on an empty stomach (half an hour before breakfast). If vitex is being used as part of a herbal blend containing other herbs, use as directed on the bottle. Vitex should be used all month long without a break.

• Capsules: 900-1,000mg a day
• Tincture: 60-90 drops a day

Which is the best vitex to take?
Vitex comes in many forms, loose herbs, capsules, tea, tincture and powder. We find that capsules and tinctureoffer the most consistent results since it is easier to control the dosage. Many of the compounds needed from vitex are easily extracted in alcohol (tincture) versus water (tea). Vitex is very strong tasting, almost bitter, so I would not suggest making a tea unless you blend other herbs with it, that is one reason capsules are so convenient.

Does Vitex Work for Everyone?

Vitex generally works for most adult women in their childbearing years (from age 18-perimenopause), but there are some cases where it may have no effect.

Women who have less than ideal lifestyle habits will probably not experience the full effects of vitex. For those who have low energy reserves, weak immune systems, eat mostly processed foods, have been on antibiotics or steroids for a while – changes in diet and lifestyle are necessary prior to beginning the use of vitex. Without making these changes in addition to using vitex, you may not experience results.

Perimenopause is the time leading up to menopause.Perimenopause typically begins at the age of 40. As perimenopause progresses toward menopause, it is normal for menstrual cycles to become irregular and for hormone levels to fluctuate. As ovarian reserve diminishes and egg health declines, FSH levels may rise. For some women vitex may be helpful in maintaining regular cycles and lowering higher FSH levels, but vitex cannot reverse the aging process. It may or many not be effective for women in perimenopause, each woman is different. Vitex cannot bring back the menstrual cycle in women who have gone through menopause.

Safety & Side Effects

Vitex has been used for over 2,000 years with no significant side-effects reported. Some minor and infrequent side-effects (1-2% of users may experience) have been nausea, gastrointestinal upset, skin reactions, and headache. Women with a history of depression taking vitex for menstrual irregularity may experience an exacerbation of depressive symptoms.

Even though it has been shown to have no interference with oral contraceptive vitex should not be used in conjunction with prescribed progesterone containing medication such as birth control pills in case it may interfere with their activity.

Some women do experience a shift in their cycle when they first begin using vitex. The length of the menstrual cycle may shorten or lengthen temporarily before it finally stabilizes. This is just the body balancing itself out and is completely normal.

Safety ratings

• German Commission E has approved the use of vitex for menstrual cycle irregularities, premenstrual disturbances, and mastodynia.
• The Botanical Safety Handbook had categorized vitex as a class 1 herb . Class 1 herbs are herbs that can be safely consumed when used appropriately.

Vitex use During Pregnancy

It is believed that vitex’s ability to increase progesterone levels has explained the positive results seen by herbalists and midwives who used it to help prevent recurrent miscarriages in women. No studies on humans have been done yet supporting this, only traditional usage. There have been reproductive toxicology studies with female rats where they were given up to 80 times the concentrated used clinically in humans, showing no difference in offspring compared with the rates given none.

According to German research, vitex can be taken safely through the end of the third month of pregnancy and may help prevent miscarriage. It is still considered safe to take after the third month, but may stimulate lactation too early, so for this reason it is suggested to not continue after the third month of pregnancy. Also at month three of pregnancy is the time the placenta takes over progesterone production on its own so vitex most likely won’t be needed anyways.

If you are deciding to use vitex during pregnancy, we suggest you consult with an herbalist or midwife for guidance and supervision.

Summary

Vitex is a fantastic herb for fertility, helping with a range if issues such as PMS, low progesterone, lack of ovulation, irregular menstrual cycles, lack of a menstrual cycle, acne and so much more. Vitex offers many benefits but requires patience and consistency of use. It should be used all month long and taken as one dose in the morning on an empty stomach.

.•*•.•*•.

This site is great! Check it out!!

http://Natural-Fertility-Info.com 

~Jen

TTC and Over 30...

 

I won't make this too long, because every mommy- in -waiting who is over 30 has been there before..


Somehow the topic of kids keeps coming up around my baby-maching brother in law. He started making his kids in his teens with same age girls.... Young. Teens and twenties. 

His brother is older than him by a couple of years I think and I'm in my late thirties. (36) 

Well, he has a habit of getting on his soapbox about how women are waiting too long to have kids and how our bodies can't make a healthy baby after a certain age. At first the age was 30- something, now I GUESS realizing I always walk away when he starts this convo, AND I'm over 30, he has moved it up to 40. But STILL says older men will likely have disabled children or children with downs syndrome or SOMETHING suggesting we not even attempt it! 

What's worse is it SEEMS DH is trying to use it as an excuse to not even try sometimes. It's like I'm fighting a friggin' uphill battle!! It's exhausting and painful.  


 Jen 

For PCOS Victims. ❤️

Healthy Diet for Polycystic Ovary Syndrome - Topic Overview

The metabolic changes that happen with polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS) can increase your risk of becoming overweight or obese. You may also have developed some poor eating habits. A healthy diet helps you lose weight or stay at a healthy weight. Controlling your weight can decrease your insulin levels and may result in more regular menstrual cycles. This may relieve some of the symptoms of PCOS.

Here are some tips for choosing a healthy diet.

• Watch your portions. Learn what equals one serving for each of the food groups, and make sure you are not eating portions that are larger than the recommended serving.
• Eat a low-calorie diet.
• Eat low-fat foods. A low-fat diet (less than 30% of calories from fat) helps you manage your weight and helps reduce your risk of heart and metabolic problems with PCOS. Don't forget, though, that the total calories you eat are still an important part of managing your weight.
• Save high-fat food for a special occasion. Fat is a concentrated source of calories and it is tasty, making it easy to eat too many calories. Choose lean meats and meat alternatives to help you decrease the high-fat foods in your diet.
• Limit foods and liquids that are high in sugar. Beverages and foods that have sugar add calories but may not add much nutrition to your diet. Substitute naturally flavored water (without added sugars) for high-sugar drinks (including high-sugar juice drinks). Don't substitute diet drinks-they have higher levels of sodium and caffeine.
• Eat plenty of foods that are high in iron and calcium.
• If you drink alcohol, drink moderate amounts (no more than 1 drink a day for a woman). Drinking excess alcohol increases abdominal fat and your risk ofheart disease and type 2 diabetes.

Source: WebMD

Dang It!!

  I've started taking my temperature and it's going ok. EXCEPT I KEEP FORGETTING TO!! LoL! 

I've been using the Kindara app to keep track. It's free at the App Store, just search "Kindara". It has settings to track temperature, ovulation, cervical mucus and position. Then, if you finally get your sticky bean, a pregnancy mode. It's a pretty neat app. I'll give it a review when I get my BFP!! LoL!

Anyway, my temperature fluctuates so much from day to day, and I can never do it when I first wake up. So what I'm thinking of dining is just checking it at the same time everyday. I think that's why I keep getting so much variation. It's not by a degree, but several tenths of a degree. Still, it looks like a HUGE spike, but really I guess it's not. 

  It's not really a big deal yet. Just practice, as AF has yet to grace me with her presence. I'm giving this cycle 80 days, well 92 days or 2 cycles time to show up. If not, I'll start the Vitex. I'm already talking a multivitamin daily. (Geritol Complete.) 

I'm also going to, sadly, have to drop a few pounds. Yes, I hate diets and like to let this body do it's thing. I'm all for health, but diets just feel too much like a death vice! LoL! Still, I think I need to get healthier anyway, and what a better reason than a baby!! :D

Ok, enough rambling for today. 

.•*•.•*•.Babydust.•*•.•*•.•*

~J

Long Time, But Back!

  Yep after 4 long years I am ready to give it one more shot!! 

  A little recap. I'm now 36, this is baby #1 EVER! I have very irregular cycles, so charting will be very important. I am not a rich woman, so I am HOPING for a pretty natural conception. My cycles are actually better than they have been in a long time, so hopefully that will help. I did buy Vitex in case things get more out of whack. I'd prefer to be as natural as possible. When I was a little younger, I was thinking of having a natural pretty much home birth, but with "advanced" age and my back/hip issues I think a hospital might be my best bet, though I think I would like a midwife. :) But there is time for that decision to be made. 

  Ok, so my "fertility kit" included a basal thermometer, Vitex, and an insemenation kit- YES an actual insemenation kit. Cups, syringes, and some big ass cervical cup things that I will NOT be using because they are enormous! LoL! I also bought a book called "Taking Charge Of Your Fertility". Yeah, think I got everything. :)

So, now all I'm waiting for is AF. 

~J

Damn.....

My sister is pregnant.. Well, she's pretty sure she is.. Not sure if I should be telling yall that yet, but I really am happy for her. She wants a baby girl. She already has 2 sons. She wasn't really TRYING to get pregnant, it just kind of happened.. She wasn't trying NOT to get pregnant. She's really happy and so am I and our other sister. We're hoping she'll get that beautiful baby girl this time.. Surely she'll be spoiled rotten..

And as my baby sister said, now it's my turn.... And that being said... Wonder when will it BE my turn? I wish it was now... LoL! I have lots of symptoms, but my mind plays tricks on me all the time as every ttc'er will attest to. I took a OPK test and saw two lines in that.. One dark one not as dark.. But it was a digital test and the display said there was no ovulation. Wish I could just waste a test I'd just put water on the stick and see if that line was still there.. The faint one that is, not the base line.. The test line I guess it was... I've heard people using OPK sticks to test for pregnancy. But I would never make myself crazy doing that. I'll buy a real test, but I'm not using it until I get ready to use my Provera. That's excuse to buy and take the test, so DH won't harass me with all the whys and I will have an excuse to POAS. And we will use any excuse to do that.


I just watched a video of my friend Jen on The Today Show in a segment about over sharing in the baby blogs and twitter and youtube.. Personally as I have a no issue with people sharing things on youtube, twitter, blogger- WHERE EVER!! I love hearing and reading about people's joy. And trying to help them through rough patches.. And hopefully seeing that things turned out OK for them makes me feel better. I don't think we share enough of the good stuff in American society. We hear bad news all day long, see crappy reality shows about idiots, not to mention all the morons we work with day in and day out.... So after being exposed to all that bad stuff... What's wrong with being exposed to someone gushing about their baby bump, or their positive preggy test. Or swollen ankles.. Being pregnant is a wonderful thing!! And it should be shared. Shouted from the roof tops!! (If you're that type..) It's good for your health even. :)

When I'm finally pregnant, The Almight will know first, Then Me, Then DH, My family, and right after that... Twitterverse, My blog reader, and other internet friends will be knowing.. And The Baby Chronicles will be a pregnancy blog.. Then a baby blog.. So I'll be sharing my jolly butt off! LOL!!

Well, anyway.. That's pretty much it.. Just thought I'd chime in for the week... And who knows? Maybe there will be more to share this weekend. :)

Jen

Ok, I'm just rambling today...

LoL!! I don't really have much to add, but I wanted to come here more since DH is working weekends some weeks now and I'm alone here... So no lookie-Loos over my shoulder.. DH knows I blog, but he really doesn't take things the way he SHOULD take them.. As in.. This is my blog.. I may blog about you... If you can't handle that.. Don't go snoopin' in my damned blog.. LoL!!

Anyway, I haven't taken The Provera yet. I had a lot of spotting over the last month and I'm wondering if it's my body trying to regulate itself. I think there is a connection between body fat and PCOS. Or at least mine.. I thought it was just weight related. BUT maybe it's the excess FAT, not weight.. When I lost weight, my fat went down as well as my weight.. Lately I've been doing a LOT more physical activity and have been trimming down. Now I'm not SLIM and trim just yet, but still I noticed the spotting started when I noticed the toning.. So.. Here's hoping that A. I'll tone up more and B. I'll stay active enough to keep trimming down and C. That will lead to a Mini.. :)

Like I said not much to add today.. Just checking in..

Jen

Got Meds????

I do.. I went to the doctor for eczema medication for my hands and just asked for something to get me "regular" that's not birth control and he gave me 2 cycles of Provera.. Neat. :) I know it won't regulate me but it's a start I guess. I actually have some Clomid here somewhere, but being the procrastinators we are and the pack rats to boot.. I have no idea where it is. But eventually I'll find it. I won't take it right away though. I COULD take it, but I'm not sure DH is ready to start trying THAT actively just yet. I mean, if I could be pregnant like RIGHT NOW, I would be totally over the moon!! LoL!! We all know that. Not saying DH would be NOT happy.. I just don't think he's ready to push it just yet.. So I'll save my Clomid for another time. Anyway, the general physician said he'd send me to an ob/gyn if the two cycles don't regulate me. But even with all this, I'm hoping to have that BFP by the end of the year.. Hoping.. :) Will I? Who knows, but here's hoping and praying.. I'll POAS before taking the Provera, just to be sure.. (And hoping for an already BFP..) I've been having loads of spotting lately. Even a really.. REALLY light AF.. I mean REALLY light. And you know what all us TTC gals hope for every time we get weird symptoms.. (BFP!!! I keep saying it cause I'm REALLY hoping for it.. LoL!!)

Mean while, I've been planing like crazy. Will I cloth diaper? Breastfeed? (Definately) Baby Carrying? (Oh yeah...) Co Sleep? (Same room, maybe not same bed though.) There's lots to plan. Cloth diapering is a great thing and you're helping the environment and all that, but I'm probably not going to do it. It's pretty expensive to start and I'd be a damned miracle worker to talk DH into spending $130 plus in one lump for some diapers! He's actually already said not likely, so with that I won't push it.. However, those flushable diapers sound like a great idea.. Keeps poop out of the trash and out of landfills... Out of the ground water.. I think it's just a liner that goes in the diaper.. Though how AWESOME would a stand alone flushable diaper be?!

Well, I guess that's all for now.. More to come...


Jen

Yep... It's ticking louder than ever....

Since going back to work, I was back to just not preventing. Of course there was nothing to PREVENT, so.. You know... But now, I've turned another year older, and that darned baby clock is tick tick tocking again.. At 33, I know time is NOT standing still.. DH is.. Well, wishy washy at best. Our finances are not stellar, but I can't wait til I'm rich to get pregnant. I have to take the chance.. Likely it will take time.. Maybe YEARS, so why not start trying again now...

I'm pretty sure I have PCOS. I have all the signs of it. The excess bleeding during an ovulation challenge with Provera, the excess hair in... PLACES... The weight thing.. I have all the signs so I have to treat that first... See.. It will take time.. We have time to make a dollar if that's his worry.. :)

I have to lose some weight.. Yes, that is the bulk of my problem. When I gain weight, my periods stop.. Yes.. STOP.. All together.. I lose it, they start back on their "regular" 45 day cycle. Long, but like CLOCK work. Still, no babies.. I was "normal" weight for about a year, and nothing. So that's not the ONLY problem, but a good doctor and we'll find all the details. I was taking herbs, but got that killer stomach ache and had to chill on those for a while. And now I have no idea what I did with them!!! UGH, so I have to buy more at some point, but for now.. The fertility diet is the plan..

Let me tell ya.. I HATE dieting like the dickens.. I mean, who doesn't.. But I REALLY have an aversion to it!! I guess it's mental. Like telling me to diet is saying that there's nothing more to women than what the look like? Than what size they wear? Are we just pretty things to have until we get fat or old? Then just be tossed away for the newest better model? I mean I have some REAL psychological issues!! LoL! But I guess this is worth the dieting.. Or at least healthy eating plan and a little exercise. I mean, it's my baby I'm working for. Not some man.. :)

OK, enough crazy rantings. This is just me saying that I'm getting actively back into baby making... There... I said it.. :p

Jen

After the Storm...

First, I need to correct my last post. He's always said I WOULDN'T make a good mother. I reread that and was like "When did he ever say I WOULD be a good mother?!" Ah, those angry posts. So incorrect. :p

Anyway. I'm feeling much better. I hate to keep taking you guys on this sling shot ride. I'm sick of going in it myself. After reading me, of course you know I want a baby. I'll never stop WANTING one. I'll never stop PLANNING for one. Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever GET one. But the WANTING never goes away. I still get "symptoms". Still get hopeful every month. I guess some dreams are just too important to let go.

As for stability, hell who IS sane enough to raise a stable child? We all have our quirks. Our insanities. So did our parents and most of us still, some how survived. I would make a good mom and I don't think I should give up on it just yet. As for him, well. I guess he can teach the kid something. If nothing else, how to be tough and stubborn as hell. :) Maybe with me constantly pumping kindness and understanding in Kiddo's little brain it might actually strike some sort of balance. That or create a TOTAL psycho, which in this crazy world, would fit in perfectly. :)

So the Doctor's appointment is still on, though I don't know if I like that "Women's Center". But DH says to give them a try. $200 is a hell of a try. But if it's worth it, I'll have no more complaints. They seem kind of condesending, in my oppinion. But as always, we shall see. :)

Well that's it for now. Crisis averted. Still smokefree. Still, mostly, on track. :)

Jen

That's it...

I've been wanting to be a mommy for the last 18 years.. Since I was 14.. I got married almost 12 years ago... My husband has always said i would be a good mother.. And honestly.. I think he's right. As long as I want to be with him, I can't. I have many different views on things than he has. And as a pair, we can't raise a stable child.. So I am giving up my quest on having a child. It was my last dream. My last goal. It was the last thing other than world peace that I wanted. If we are to stay together, a child just will never be in the works. I could push it. And get the treatments, but I'd just end up with a kid as messed up as I am. And now I grieve.. I am so sad right now that I just don't want to live... But I will go on. I will continue on. In the back of my heart, I pray this isn't what The Almighty wants for me, but if it is, I will accept it. My heart is very heavy.. I am damaged.. And I don't know how I will push past this...

Jen

The Back And Forth..

I HATE the back and forth.. I want a baby with all my heart, and DH ACTS like he does too.. But then we get into an arguement. Like yesterday. Basically he said I was HOT when i WAS 16. But NOW, I'm bigger, so I'm not cute anymore. I was so hurt. Not that that was the the first time he'd crushed my soul with his heartless words. I honestly don't think he SEES how hurtful they are.. Sometimes I just wish I could transfer the pain for a few minutes to him and let him FEEL how hurtful his words are.

And there comes the back and forth. Should we have kids? I mean we don't even get along with EACH OTHER.. How will a baby fit into all this? But I'm almost 32.. I can't keep putting it off. I want a baby. I always HAVE. But obviously I'm not leaving him, as I haven't yet.. And if I give up on a baby.. I'll be bitter.. Resentful.. That CAN'T be good for my spirit.. I have an appointment. Luckily Fertility treatments are seperate from the whole menstral regulation treatment. So I have a bit of time to think. I guess I'll work on my reproductive health and see where that leads me. Instead of just going for the Clomid right away. Hmmm..

On a good note, DH bought me a white topaz bracelet/earring set. It is very beautiful. I'll try to get some pics up soon if I don't forget. I'm wearing the earrings now. Said I'd keep em in, but I feel kinda like a shmuck.. I haven't worn something as girly as earrings in quite some years. Still, they are pretty. And he seems rather happy that I like them, so I'll try to get use to this one girly thing. :) I was pretty much broke this year, but I got him a subscription to Penthouse Letters Magazine.. He should get it by Valentines day.. JUST as he feels like he's getting nothing. LoL.. And in perfect time.. I got to the doctor in January and maybe Penthouse will give him the little boost he needs for some baby making. Yeah, I know.. But desperate times call for desperate measures!! AND, did I mention.. I quit smoking...

I'm 12 days clean of smoking. I feel better.. I'm not as nauseated from that taste in my mouth.. That's pretty much all for now. I haven't been quit long enough to get the real benefits. Those start at like a month +.. But I look forward to them. The healthy energy that comes with being a non smoker. :)


Oh and the COOKING.. I have.. Glazed ham, Collard greens ( I SELL em so you know I have to have some left.), green bean casserole, mashed sweet potatoes and cranberry sauce.. Just absolutely YUMMY. I am gonna eat and slip into a food coma.. LoL!

Well, that's it for now. I hope everyone has been having a happy holiday season. For the Solstice, I walked in the woods and got my nature on.. It was so peaceful out there.. But now, being a Christian/Wiccan with Buddhist tendencies.. I have to get my grub on for Christmas. :)

Jen

Follow me on Twitter!!

Appointment made!!

Well I made the phone call and my appointment to see the Ob/Gyn and it's set for January 26. I'm still keeping my quit date the same as before, Dec 22.

On the FAIL tip, I was so nervous on the phone I came off as an unemployed, uninsured, unfit LOSER!! truth is I AM employed, as I own a business and hell credit makes the world go round. So I can pay the $200. I hope they are worth the money, cause I am SO not afraid to shop around. ;) but whatever damage I did on the phone, I can fix when I get there.

This was just a short update. I don't really have any REAL news today. Maybe later. OH, I forgot to post that my biological mom died about 2 weeks ago. Like Nov 27th I think. But now my sisters and I are trying to get closer cause life is so short. And now I have that extra support with my fertility problems- I can always use that. I am hopeful that the treatment will work- I just hope they'll treat me!! Gotta sound more fit when I meet the doctor. :) I am SOOO nervous.

Breathing.... Calming..... Breaths...

:p

Jen

This is it!!

After a very difficult BFN last month, I decided to just go for treatment and just get the pills. Get the Clomid and Provera and go from there. I wanted it to be natural from beginning to end, but I'm going to have to take a medical detour. I'm not getting any younger and this isn't going to get any easier.

So here I am.. Waiting to start fertility treatments. Dec 16 or 22 depending which appointment is available. Shockingly, DH is happy about it. Not sure if je really is happy or if he's just glad I'm doing something "normal". Not all that herbal "crap" I tend to like to do. I love doing things herbally and with meditation. But I'm not opposed to western medicine. Just western attitudes. But I'll take the western medicine and still burn my incense and meditate. Theres no law against it.

The hard thing I have to do though is quit smoking. I am so not ready for that!! LoL! But it must b done. I've decided to quit when I start taking the pills. Some of it is due to that new commercial http://tobaccofreeflorida.com has where the woman gets a BFP and there's smoke around her head and then it was around her baby's head. The rest is due to the fact that I'm just sick of smoking but the addiction keeps me lighting up. The patch wouldn't do me much good cause a good portion of my addiction is just the habit of smoking and you can't smoke a patch or gum. So those aids won't help much. I'd benefit more from support groups, journaling,and blogging. Not to mention twittering. DH isn't the "support" type and his "encouragement" is usually so frank it comes across kinda mean. So that's not gonna help. Luckily my iPhone is always with me and I usually always have a some Internet connection, so I'll be able to blog or Twitter. I should be ok. Though it will still be hard, I have some time, as fertility treatments rarely work immediately. I think the sooner that ball gets rolling the better. Don't wanna have a smokey baby. :p

well I guess that's pretty much it for now. Good thing is I'm more focused on the baby now- or rather, I'm focused again on it. :)

More as it becomes available.

Jen

I posted this on http://babyandbump.com


I was just thinking about all I have to do emotionally and physically on this ttc journey. Quit smoking ( I have 2packs left and a piece) start walking foe exercise and drink more water. (ALWAYS more water. I only drink water, but I could still drink more. ) I could stand to lose some weight.

Spiritually I have work to do. Lots of work. But I've touched Zen before. At first when I fell, I thought it was the end of the world. But now I know that maybe it wasn't time to attain enlightenment right then, but to just TOUCH it. And know how good it felt. How free and new. And how I needed to arrange my life and mind to fit Zen. Enlightenment. I need to nurse my spirit back to health.

As for the baby. Well first I have to make the baby. But aside from that, I know I want a natural birth. Not a FREEbirth necessarily, but as natural as possible. I frequent the freebirthing site just to learn all I can. And just incase have to deliver alone!! It's good information to have. I'd like a midwife, but I kinda want to deliver in a hospital. Wonder if you can do both? Did I mention i want to deliver in water? Well I do!

I know I want to breastfeed. I want to wear my baby as much as possible. And co sleep. (same room very near each other. )

these are the things I think about.
************

I actually tested twice this cycle!! That's it I'm taking a break from the stick in October!! So my next test will be November 12th. I hope it's a BFP!!!


Jen

Damn this is getting old.

Well another test and another BF stinkin N! I was so hoping this month would be the one. I had so many symptoms. Nausea, fatigue, a weird head cold that lasted 1day. Backache. Appetite change-or cravings. I was so sure. Now I'm all depresssed. That's all the hell I need. When is the Universe going to send me my little one? I know all things come in time. I just hope my time is soon. I'm tired of crying every time I see that single line mocking me.

Jen