The Back And Forth..

I HATE the back and forth.. I want a baby with all my heart, and DH ACTS like he does too.. But then we get into an arguement. Like yesterday. Basically he said I was HOT when i WAS 16. But NOW, I'm bigger, so I'm not cute anymore. I was so hurt. Not that that was the the first time he'd crushed my soul with his heartless words. I honestly don't think he SEES how hurtful they are.. Sometimes I just wish I could transfer the pain for a few minutes to him and let him FEEL how hurtful his words are.

And there comes the back and forth. Should we have kids? I mean we don't even get along with EACH OTHER.. How will a baby fit into all this? But I'm almost 32.. I can't keep putting it off. I want a baby. I always HAVE. But obviously I'm not leaving him, as I haven't yet.. And if I give up on a baby.. I'll be bitter.. Resentful.. That CAN'T be good for my spirit.. I have an appointment. Luckily Fertility treatments are seperate from the whole menstral regulation treatment. So I have a bit of time to think. I guess I'll work on my reproductive health and see where that leads me. Instead of just going for the Clomid right away. Hmmm..

On a good note, DH bought me a white topaz bracelet/earring set. It is very beautiful. I'll try to get some pics up soon if I don't forget. I'm wearing the earrings now. Said I'd keep em in, but I feel kinda like a shmuck.. I haven't worn something as girly as earrings in quite some years. Still, they are pretty. And he seems rather happy that I like them, so I'll try to get use to this one girly thing. :) I was pretty much broke this year, but I got him a subscription to Penthouse Letters Magazine.. He should get it by Valentines day.. JUST as he feels like he's getting nothing. LoL.. And in perfect time.. I got to the doctor in January and maybe Penthouse will give him the little boost he needs for some baby making. Yeah, I know.. But desperate times call for desperate measures!! AND, did I mention.. I quit smoking...

I'm 12 days clean of smoking. I feel better.. I'm not as nauseated from that taste in my mouth.. That's pretty much all for now. I haven't been quit long enough to get the real benefits. Those start at like a month +.. But I look forward to them. The healthy energy that comes with being a non smoker. :)


Oh and the COOKING.. I have.. Glazed ham, Collard greens ( I SELL em so you know I have to have some left.), green bean casserole, mashed sweet potatoes and cranberry sauce.. Just absolutely YUMMY. I am gonna eat and slip into a food coma.. LoL!

Well, that's it for now. I hope everyone has been having a happy holiday season. For the Solstice, I walked in the woods and got my nature on.. It was so peaceful out there.. But now, being a Christian/Wiccan with Buddhist tendencies.. I have to get my grub on for Christmas. :)

Jen

Follow me on Twitter!!

Appointment made!!

Well I made the phone call and my appointment to see the Ob/Gyn and it's set for January 26. I'm still keeping my quit date the same as before, Dec 22.

On the FAIL tip, I was so nervous on the phone I came off as an unemployed, uninsured, unfit LOSER!! truth is I AM employed, as I own a business and hell credit makes the world go round. So I can pay the $200. I hope they are worth the money, cause I am SO not afraid to shop around. ;) but whatever damage I did on the phone, I can fix when I get there.

This was just a short update. I don't really have any REAL news today. Maybe later. OH, I forgot to post that my biological mom died about 2 weeks ago. Like Nov 27th I think. But now my sisters and I are trying to get closer cause life is so short. And now I have that extra support with my fertility problems- I can always use that. I am hopeful that the treatment will work- I just hope they'll treat me!! Gotta sound more fit when I meet the doctor. :) I am SOOO nervous.

Breathing.... Calming..... Breaths...

:p

Jen

This is it!!

After a very difficult BFN last month, I decided to just go for treatment and just get the pills. Get the Clomid and Provera and go from there. I wanted it to be natural from beginning to end, but I'm going to have to take a medical detour. I'm not getting any younger and this isn't going to get any easier.

So here I am.. Waiting to start fertility treatments. Dec 16 or 22 depending which appointment is available. Shockingly, DH is happy about it. Not sure if je really is happy or if he's just glad I'm doing something "normal". Not all that herbal "crap" I tend to like to do. I love doing things herbally and with meditation. But I'm not opposed to western medicine. Just western attitudes. But I'll take the western medicine and still burn my incense and meditate. Theres no law against it.

The hard thing I have to do though is quit smoking. I am so not ready for that!! LoL! But it must b done. I've decided to quit when I start taking the pills. Some of it is due to that new commercial http://tobaccofreeflorida.com has where the woman gets a BFP and there's smoke around her head and then it was around her baby's head. The rest is due to the fact that I'm just sick of smoking but the addiction keeps me lighting up. The patch wouldn't do me much good cause a good portion of my addiction is just the habit of smoking and you can't smoke a patch or gum. So those aids won't help much. I'd benefit more from support groups, journaling,and blogging. Not to mention twittering. DH isn't the "support" type and his "encouragement" is usually so frank it comes across kinda mean. So that's not gonna help. Luckily my iPhone is always with me and I usually always have a some Internet connection, so I'll be able to blog or Twitter. I should be ok. Though it will still be hard, I have some time, as fertility treatments rarely work immediately. I think the sooner that ball gets rolling the better. Don't wanna have a smokey baby. :p

well I guess that's pretty much it for now. Good thing is I'm more focused on the baby now- or rather, I'm focused again on it. :)

More as it becomes available.

Jen

I posted this on http://babyandbump.com


I was just thinking about all I have to do emotionally and physically on this ttc journey. Quit smoking ( I have 2packs left and a piece) start walking foe exercise and drink more water. (ALWAYS more water. I only drink water, but I could still drink more. ) I could stand to lose some weight.

Spiritually I have work to do. Lots of work. But I've touched Zen before. At first when I fell, I thought it was the end of the world. But now I know that maybe it wasn't time to attain enlightenment right then, but to just TOUCH it. And know how good it felt. How free and new. And how I needed to arrange my life and mind to fit Zen. Enlightenment. I need to nurse my spirit back to health.

As for the baby. Well first I have to make the baby. But aside from that, I know I want a natural birth. Not a FREEbirth necessarily, but as natural as possible. I frequent the freebirthing site just to learn all I can. And just incase have to deliver alone!! It's good information to have. I'd like a midwife, but I kinda want to deliver in a hospital. Wonder if you can do both? Did I mention i want to deliver in water? Well I do!

I know I want to breastfeed. I want to wear my baby as much as possible. And co sleep. (same room very near each other. )

these are the things I think about.
************

I actually tested twice this cycle!! That's it I'm taking a break from the stick in October!! So my next test will be November 12th. I hope it's a BFP!!!


Jen

Damn this is getting old.

Well another test and another BF stinkin N! I was so hoping this month would be the one. I had so many symptoms. Nausea, fatigue, a weird head cold that lasted 1day. Backache. Appetite change-or cravings. I was so sure. Now I'm all depresssed. That's all the hell I need. When is the Universe going to send me my little one? I know all things come in time. I just hope my time is soon. I'm tired of crying every time I see that single line mocking me.

Jen

Well...

I assume the herbs are working pretty well. No BFP yet, bit AF did show up andxhas been going 7 days straight. Just really light in colour. Not sure what's up with that. I've heard that implantation bleeding is weird too and can be mistaken for AF. Now, imnot getting my hopes up, but since this AF was so weird, I may still test in a week just to be sure. I'm looking for a BFN, but it's best to know for sure as soon as possible. If these herbs keep working, I may buy some ovulation prediction sticks and start charting. Maybe. I've been taking 1600mg of Vitex and 540mg of Black Cohosh.

I do get discouraged sometimes and it gets real heavy. Women know what I mean about this. You know your hubby/SO loves you and wants the baby just as much as you do, but he's not feeling the same stuff. Like in my case, our baby won't be my hubby's first kid, so it's all new to me, but to him it's old hat so to speak. So he's not feeling all this stuff for the first time. And his first kid was not and didn't have to be planned out like thus one. His exwife was pretty much regular and normal. Already has 2 kids before hand. So there were no temper tantrums and crying spells and depression and "What's wrong with me? Why am I being punished like this" episodes. I suppose we're in different places in our lives and we think 100% different. So I kinda feel all alone in the whole emotional aspect of ttc. Bit I have groups and forums. Plus my blog, so I'll be fine I guess.

Well that's all for today's rant.


.*•.•*•.•*•.BabyDust.•*•.•*•.•*•.

Jen

All is..... OK. :p

Well I've started taking my herbs. The vitex and black cohosh and I guess they'll work as well as the FertilAid. In fact, it may work better because the FA had only had a little vitex and red clover in it. Black cohosh is SUPPOSED to be the shit, or so I've heard. The first thing I noticed is it states it's for menopause relief. That was a little bit of a downer as I do not want to be menopausal!! LoL! I'm trying to be a mommy. But the whole point is hormone balance in both cases. And once the hormones are balanced your body does what it should, so it works for either. Now I'm rambling. LoL!


Well this was just a quick update as I haven't posted in awhile. Oh and hubby is actually into the idea of having a baby. Though you know how that is. Any guys out there know yall get cold feet sometimes about babies sometimes, but most of yall are happy when you see those two lines on the test. :) So we're good. :D

OK, now I'm done.


.•*•.BabyDust.•*•.

Month 2 to begin.... NOW!

Well, I got that much expected BFN yesterday. I was supposed to test today, but I woke up thinking yesterday was the 12th, so I tested then and it was infact negative.

I was expecting it,but it still took it's toll on me. I was depressed all day yesterday. I didn't tell hubby I tested, because he hates when I test. I always get depressed! LoL! So I kept that to myself. But it was eating me up inside. luckily I as home alone all day yesterday. I slept all day. I still feel a little teary eyed. Sometimes I feel like I'm out of my element. I mean.. OK, this is how all these bad feelings started. I was in one of my other support groups. On Nappturality. (You know it is our favorite site. ^_^ ) And there was this discussion about "How old is too old." And I guess I felt like some of the younger members were kinda knocking the older members who wanted to have kids still. Now I'm still in the PRETTY safe range. I'm 31, and you're pretty good up to 35, and then things get edgy, but you're still alright. The chances of stuff going wrong is just a little higher. Well anyway, I guess I've been thinking about that. I wasn't even the person who STARTED the tread. I've read all the studies so why would I need to ask such a question, knowing I'd just leave it upset? Well, anyway. I was still really supportive of women trying later in life. But then you know there's always the 'scientist' of any group who says you're wrong, or what you're doing is immoral, or just not right or SOMETHING that's gonna rub you the wrong way. And they got to talking about this and that... And somehow it got on the subject that a 15 year old is more phyiscally desirable for childbirth than an older woman. Now we all know a childs body heals faster than an adults. But a child definately does not have the mind set of an adult, and I guess it just struck a cord. I left a comment, but I don't think I'll be going back in there again. I'll just stick to nappturality for what it was initially put there for. HAIR. PERIOD.

The sad part is it kind of put a rift between me and younger mothers. Like they are looking at me like I fucked up waiting so long. When I honestly have been trying since I was their age. So youth does not mean you'll get pregnant easy peasy and such. I know it's crazy. I never use to look at it like that, if I saw a young woman of 20 saying she's trying to have a baby, I'd tell her she's young and has so much time so don't lose hope. Now if I read that I'm lookin' at that post or person all sideways. <_<>

Still I say 15 is too young to have a baby. I don't care what who or what says. It happens, yes. But that should be an everyday thing. What happened to you're grown at 18? Now our children are expected to adults... Then again.. It may just be by a few. I'm sure most of us still want to protect our teenage daughters.. Don't we? I don't know.. I guess the whole thing just left me feeling defeated and a little bit sad.

I always tell myself that I'm not going to get involved in controversial topics. I always end up just bowing out, but the frustration lingers and I end up going over it again and again for MONTHS!! I guess the BFN just kinda rubbed it in a little that old woman, you're out of your league. <_<

But of course I haven't given up, and I have every intention of seeing this through, and the opinion of so few is not going to change my mind. I do wish I could have been successful in my 20s but it just didn't work out that way. So now I'm in my 30s. I have a good 9 years left in them. Well, at least 8 years and some months. And if I can't do it then, MAYBE I'll consider just giving it up.. Or hell, maybe I'll be a mama in my 40s. Now 50s I don't know about all that. But I certainly don't tell anyone in their 50s to not try for that dream. It's just amazing. It's so easy to say things when you're on the other end of the spectrum. But when it's your time.. You feel totally different. I know I've made a lot of 180's myself in my life. Total turn arounds. :) They do happen.

Well, I guess I'm done ranting for now. I'm just gonna listen to some soothing music.. Surf the net for a bit. Maybe even stroll to nappturality for a minute.. Just for some hair stuff. :p

Renewed...

For some reason I'm totally renewed in my mission. For the last few weeks I've been wondering somewhat, why am I even bothering? This is just going to end in disappointment. But now, I feel renewed in the whole mission. Hooray! :p

I know my FertilAid is going to run out sometime this month, so I had to re up, but this time I decided to just buy the main ingredient. The Vitex and I got some Black Cohosh too, because I hear it is great for fertility and hormone balance in women. I started to get some stuff for hubby, but I'm not sure if he even has any problems in the male side of the equation. After all he has fathered a child before, I've never been pregnant. And if I was it didn't last long. I do feel I have been a couple of times at least, but I try not to think about that as I have no proof of such a thing. It would only upset me to think about it and having been rejuvenated in my quest, I don't want to get sad about ANYTHING!! I just want the positive vibes to just keep on flowing, and hopefully there'll be some baby dust out there that will just float on down to us with those vibes. :)

It's amazing all the emotional crap that goes with this journey. That's why I started this particular blog so I can capture all that and look back on it some day, hopefully with my little bundle napping next to me. I mean it has been a real ROLLERCOASTER just this past month. For being on cloud 9, to unsure, to pissed off, to hopeless (briefly.) To being on cloud 9 again. Well, actually this isn't like when I FIRST started trying. When I was like, alright.. I'll take the pills, we'll dance, we'll get pregnant.. Ba-da-bang, ba-da- boom.. Right? More like YEAH right. So I have come down enough to know it won't be that easy. But I'm still taking my supplements. FertilAid now, the Vitex after that. And the new Vitex, being pretty much all chasteberry, are more concentrated than the FertilAid with 800mg, where as in FertilAid the whole blend is only 770mg. So I'm feeling psyched about that. I got my Vitex on www.puritan.com I like their site because they are the cheapest on herbals and they are doing a buy one get 2FREE promo now. They are always at least giving you 2 for 1 on everything, and this was just the tops! I got both pills, a total of 9 bottles of product, for the price of ONE of the bottles of FertilAid. I say that's a deal. Now all I need to get is a cheap bottle of Pre Natal vitamins and I'll be set! I'll end up with the basis of FertilAid, for way WAY cheaper. I mean I think Sam's has a prenatal vitamin that's like 400 MILLION pills.. Like a whole damn VAT of pills for about $9. Can't beat that. Last time I bought them they were in a pink and white bottle, but probably not now. And why am I telling you? Maybe someone who reads this is ttc too, I don't know.


Well, I guess that's all for now. I just must say, I can't wait to post that BFP!!! LoL



*.*.*.BabyDust.*.*.*

Today.

I know I've been talking about taking it slow and letting the herbs work, but I want baby NOW!! LoL!! I know, I know. Great things are worth waiting for. I get that. And Clomid is something else making you have all them damn babies at one time. I will be stretching to afford on, but we'd live. Two? Three.. I'm not so sure about that.

Next think I've noticed is I've gotten cheap. Not really a thing for the ttc blog, but since I'm even applying it to the child to be, maybe it will fit. I have gotten cheap. Everything has to be on sale. I mean I shop, I just obsess with sales and coupons. I've never been this way. Before I didn't really think about price much. It can cost .10 or $10,000 and it was all the same. I guess that's good as I am an adult now and planning to expand my family. But it gets to be a drag. People are tired of hearing me nickle and dime things to death. LoL.. I guess I should lay off that a bit.

I don't really have much to say today. I think I got most of it out last post. But I probably will need to vent again eventually. :) All there is to report today is the cramping is continuing. I guess things are trying to regulate. As long as something is working, it's all good with me.... Though annoying. :p


*.*.*.BabyDust.*.*.*

This is so ANNOYING.. Well, not really. But still!!

But I'm sick of all these fake symptoms. I know they are fake. I have the same feelings everytime hubby and I ttc or I think I'm pregnant. Granted they are a little more persistant this time, mostly because I'm taking that supplement. It's like taking Clomid. Where you may feel some symptoms, you always get a BFN. And that one line on that stick just breaks you down. And I'm not trying to get broke down. Not this early on. This is just the first month. But when I take the test on the 12th of this month. It will be negative.. And I will be disapointed yet again. Even though I'm expecting it. it's so hard sometimes. I mean, everyone says think positive. Think positive. And I'm trying to. But I guess after all these years it's just hard. I got the first 'no baby' disapointment way back when I was 18. And it broke my heart then. But I was still positive.... Then in my 20's I got all those negatives too.. And I guess now 12 years later. it's just hard to expect a miracle. At least one for myself. I can believe in all the magic and miracles in the world for everyone else. When I'm rooting for someone in the ttc forums, i really do believe they will get that BFP and they'll be happy. Even if they have miscarriages. I believe they will recover and finally be happy with their new baby to come. But when it comes to believing it for myself... That's a bit harder. Hubby doesn't want me thinking about that kind of stuff.. Well, at least he doesn't want me telling him about it.. (Not really Mr. Kissy Kissy Goo-Goo, that man.) But I do think about it sometimes when I'm lying in bed. I mean I've gotten over being childless before. At one point I figured I'd just never have a child.. Not sure what made me try again, but I just got to thinking my babies deserve a chance to be born too. Even if I don't succeed, at least I tried. But I'm not even sure what made me think about that. I guess it was realizing I'm 31 and time does not stand still. And if I pass that window, I won't have another chance. And I'll have sealed it without even giving it an HONEST try. So I'm trying, damn it all.

Sometimes I almost cry. But I don't want to do that. Not sure what I think will happen if I do. Maybe I'm saving it for that string of negatives I'll likely get. Or maybe for the moment I just say screw it and give up. I'm not sure.. I guess I feel that I'm to the point of hopelessness when I cry about something. And I don't want to admit defeat just yet. And I feel it's way too soon to be falling apart. But I just feel so lonely sometimes. I know I have hubby. Lots of women are all alone raising children- even ttc, those using AI using a donor. So I am blessed in that sense, but when you still can't just talk to your SO about feelings, it still feels like you're alone. Don't get me wrong. Not saying he's distant and unfeeling. Just.. I need to talk about all those cushy feelings. Those lil' bitch ass feelings that tend to pop up in a female's mind. And maybe some men's minds too. it's unfair to think all men aren't emotional. (Yeah, I'm kinda a tomboy, so all these feelings are quite bitch in a sense to me. Though I am a very emotional person, I understand why men don't want to talk about these feelings, and they really do make me feel like a 'punk' sometimes.)

Oh well. These feelings tend to come and go. Sometimes I'm so hopeful.. Others I'm utterly hopeless. I guess it's hormonal or something. A girl thing. A human thing.. :)



Jen

Been away,and what a rollercoaster it has been.

Well, I've been on vacation. We went to Universal Studios (We go all the time.) and had a little fun. Saw some sites, rode some rides (I hate rollercoasters. So you know that little mid ride picture they take was ALL toe UP!! ) Still, it was a fun ride and at least it was an indoor rollercoaster. (The Mummy ride.) I think I'll do better next year. That is if I'm not all knocked up. :p

Anyway, the rollercoaster that really was wild, was my EMOTIONAL rollercoaster. Hubby and I got into it about something. Not a major spat or anything.. It was just feeling like he didn't want me to be his babymama.. And I was pissed about it. I still wonder sometimes. But my clock is not waiting. He can get a woman pregnant when he's EIGHTY!! I have a time limit, so he's just gonna have to deal. But still I felt so bad. That he thought I wouldn't be a good mom. well, he didn't say that.. But in my mind it was implied. But worse of all he started out talking about the cost of having a baby. and I know it is EXPENSIVE to raise kids. But my mom did it on government assistance might as well say. (My dad's state retirement and social security benefits when he died supported us.) And we got along just fine. Sure I didn't have the TRENDIEST of clothes, but I didn't start a single school year without a few new outfits, and I didn't starve to death either. (All my fat proved that.) And she loved me. That's the most important part of it all. Some kids are RICH money wise, but don't get the love they need from their parents. and I'd be more than willing to give it to them... My kids that is. :p

I can't wait until I'm "well off." I might be 50 and TOTALLY sterile by then. Then how much will it cost for them to try and DIG UP a few stored back eggs and HOPE they work. When I can just have the baby now? No way. I think this is too important. I put it off for so long and always said if I had the time, or the money, or if I was meant to have kids my body would work right. Well, I'm tired of making excused, I want my little one!! Dammit.. :p We've been married 11 years, so I think it's time. Still it kinda hurts when he keeps throwing all these hints and I feel like I'm the only one trying here. Like I'm the only one who WANTS this child to be born. It's just kinda lonely. Emotionally that is.

I had gave up for a minute..


JUST a minute.

Now I'm back. And I believe it is time and I shouldn't give up. I've given up too many times before. I can't leave this alone. I'm not 20 anymore. I know I have a few years left, but I don't want to wait til the last minute or until it's too late. I feel it's time.


So I'm still taking my FertilAid and I've started exercising, believe it or not. Turbo Jam DVD system. (Just the exercise, cause I'm not with all that dieting.) And I just bought a Bowflex AND an eliptical machine. If I can't shape up with all those tools, I'm just destined to be fat. :p

I guess that's it. It's bout to get bad over here (Far as weather) and I ain't tryin' to get struck tryin' ta blog. :p



*.*.*.BabyDust.*.*.*



Jen

Babies on the brain..

I forgot this was supposed to be Baby Week on the Discovery Health channel. I was planning to be PLANTED on that channel.. Well, actually I was, but I had FORGOTTEN it was baby week. LoL. I love watching these shows, but DH doesn't want my watching them so much because they show a lot of 'sick' babies on there. And things going wrong. I guess he has a point. when I do get pregnant I'll be scared that all this stuff is wrong with my baby. I do get paranoid about stuff like that.

But it's very interesting and the babies are so VERY cute. :) Love it!

Well, today I'm still feeling the stirrings that usually indicate that AF is on her way. Or something is on it's way. O_O It's just nice to feel that SOMETHING is happening, and though I refuse to get my hopes up so early on, it would be nice to get a BFP on the first try. I'm not looking for it to happen so quickly, but still.. It would be nice. I mean, I've actually been waiting for 11 years for this baby.. I think that's a long wait and it's not just "real quick" That's a long time. A time of sruggling, crying, giving up and then trying again.. I'm just hoping things work out for us this time. One good thing about this, since we decided to ttc again, I feel closer to him. Closer than I have in a while. Like we are actually sharing something.. Something special. I smile when I think about him now instead of just thinking "Oh.. Well HE'S here." <_< And it's pretty cool. I think, at least for a little while, this will draw us closer together. That is if I don't talk about it too much. That's why I started a blog and joined lists for support. He's not really a touchy feely kinda guy. So looking for him to understand when I'm upset or feeling down.. That isn't likely to happen, and I can accept that. But he normally gets upset when I join all those sites and stuff.. But not this time.. I guess this time is different in many ways. Maybe that means something. Hopefully 2009 will be the year our family grows.


*.*.*.BabyDust.*.*.*



Jen

My first TWW!! Who HOOOO!! Ok, enough of that..

As everyone knows by my past AF issues, my two week wait is more like a FOUR week wait. That is if I don't want to suffer ever single two weeks. Me being the smart ass that I am, I didn't buy ovulation strips.. I didn't, not because of the expense mind, but because I couldn't take the news that I'm not ovulating.. NEVER will ovulate.. CAN'T ovulate!!! I just really didn't want to find that out at home.. Just me and my stick... Maybe later I'll check that out. Once things get more normalized. It seems I feel more comfortable and more NORMAL just taking the PT every month and taking my little FertilAid pills and praying that everything will work out right. I guess this is the part where things start to get heavy. The depressing sad part and I haven't even taken my first monthly test yet.

I don't think this will be as crushing as it has been in the past when I get a BFN. (Big Fat Negative on the pregnancy test.) Before a BFN was like a miscarriage. I guess it was in an emotional sense. Like a 'mental' loss of the child I THOUGHT I was about to have.. And found I wasn't. It was just horrible. Now it's like.. "You didn't actually think you were, right?" And maybe I'll leave it at that. Sure it is a big let down, I guess I just hide it well. Even from myself for a little while. Hopefully I won't have many of those BFNs to worry about and will get a BFP the first few mohths. (I know, overly optimistic, right? Oh, and BFP is Big Fat Positive.)

This is EXTRA hard because I know one of the causes of my fertility issues is my weight. As a teen I was Anorexic.. And waivered between Anorexia, Bulimia, and COE. And all that has really done a number on my fertility. Luckily my health hasn't suffered - my MIND is shot from it all, but as far as my actual health, I'm healthy.. Just fat. Anyway, the result is Amenorreah (sp?) Meaning my periods (AF) have stopped for up to 6 years!!! I mean, that's a LONG time. Most of the time, it will skip 6 months to a year, and then start back up. Most of the time I've lost some weight, so I guess that's why it starts up again, but the weight keeps coming back. before, i thought it was gone for good, but due to me quitting my job and sitting around the house- well actually that happened after the fact. I had started going back up while I was still working. But the weight really started piling on after I left the job. Anyway. I need to work out and I plan to start. I just have to boost myself up to do it. And I can't take forever. Just like I can't keep waiting to have a baby, I'm 31 now, and weight is also harder to take off the older you get. That is some of why the weight eased back on so easily!! (My family is on the heavy side, so it's partially genetic, and partially habit.) That makes it harder to lose it like say when you're 50!! Much easier to make the changes at in your 30's than it is in your 40's and easier in the 40's than the 50's..

But this is a blog about babies, not weight.. Maybe I should start one about that. I'm thinking about deleting The Dream Chronicles anyway. I haven't had any really interesting dreams lately.. Or maybe I'll just leave it just in case.. yeah, I think I'll do that. :)

Well, I guess I'm done for the day. Oh, and no sleepy spells today. I guess some days I'm just tuckered out from a day of doing absolutely nothing. :p


*.*.*.BabyDust.*.*.*

(Baby dust is like.. Faery dust... It's magical dust that makes you have babies. :p Like a wish for babies to all who are trying to have them. )



Jen

I'm back.. Ane wide awake.. :p

I didn't even nap!! What a pip, eh? I started tinkering with the music player to add to the blog, and I was awake.. I guess I just needed some music to satisfy my soul so to speak. :p

I still think it's the pills that are making me so sleepy all the time. I remember taking Clomid and being so very tired all 10 days I had to take it. I guess FertilAid is about the same, just gentler and more natural. Hell I use to be tired when AF showed up naturally.. Just DRAINED.. Oh well. Anyway, as you can hear I added some tunes. I couldn't find all the music I was looking for but this got a lot of it. As you'll notice, there's a lot of sax in there. Well, I just rediscovered my love of the sax while watching an episode of The Simpsons, Lisa's Sax. And I was remembering how much i use to want to learn the saxaphone. I always use to price them even after I got married in Pawn shops. Like her's, I've seen them for $200.. But I've never been able to get one. :( No matter how many hints I throwed. <_<

But I will have my saxaphone and I will learn to play it. And when I have my baby, I'll show her/him how to play it too. This family needs talent to pass on. :p Well, we have talent. Daddy's a DJ, I DJ sometimes, I'm a writer, and can learn to fix just about ANYTHING just by watching someone else do it a couple of times. (Like a SAVANT, or something. :p ), but you can never have too much talent. It gives you lots of choices when you grow up. And it helps build self esteem, and every kid needs as much of that as they can get. I remember one of my high school crushes use to play the sax. He was the band teacher. ( I know yall thinkin' Mr. Holland, but oh no, he was CUTE. Young teacher, long hair.. Cute lil' white boy. :p ) That's not WHY I love the sax, I loved it before, I don't even think this has anything to do with the subject, so I'll stop rambling. :p


Well, just lettin' everyone know I'm wide awake and listening to my Neo Soul/Jazz. It's very relaxing.. You should try it sometimes. :p OK... More on BABIES next time, seeing as how this is The Baby Chronicles!!


*.*.*.BabyDust.*.*.*

Jen

Sleepy... Sooooo Sleepy..

I'm not sure if the pills are working and everything trying to kick in is making me so tired, or if I'm just a lazy li' git who just wants to sleep all day, but something is going on. LoL.. I hope the pills are working, and I do feel all the stirrings in my body that I was feeling when everything was working like it's supposed to. (Women know what I mean.. And I guess men who actually get involved with their lady have some idea. ) Hubby is being surprizingly laid back about all this. Normally he'll be bitchin' and moaning up a storm about me taking a supplement. (TRUST NO ONE AND NOTHING is his normal motto about natural remedies that he has never heard of. <_< If it ain't a chemical given by a doctor he is skeptically from JUMP.) But he's been nothing but supportive. Shocking.. For the longest time, and even now sometimes I think he doesn't want me to have his kids. Like I'm not good enough to be his baby's mamma. Like I can't possible live up to the first one... Or who EVER he's been comparing me to. But now.. Not sure. Sometimes he wants, sometimes he acts like he doesn't.. I don't know.. But until he out right says it.. I'm staying the course and we are makin' this baby..


Damn I'm tired!! I just can't get over how sleepy and tired I am today. It's just like it was Sunday.. I've been trying to stay awake, but I think I'mma go take me a little hour long nap. Maybe I'll be back to post more as it happens.. If not, see ya next time. :p

*.*.*.BabyDust.*.*.*

Jen

Jen

Little pains....

I have slight pains in my lower back and abdomen. I use to get them before AF showed her face around here. I'm not sure if it will actually start this month, but there is SOMETHING going on down there. :p Not sure if it's ovulation pains or just PAINS, but it hurts.. But not deathly pain, just a slight... crampy feeling.

I'm still taking my FertilAid, and shockingly hubby hasn't complained about me buying it. He did say I should just go get the Clomid though, which was like "What?" I guess he wants to use up that insurance. :p I do like to try the herbal remedy when I can. Not everyone gets that I guess. I still believe this product will work. Even if only slightly. I feel it will help my cycle straighten out. If it can do that, I'll be happy with it. Only thing is, I found more research on Vitex and it may take 18 MONTHS for that therapy to work and I was hoping to make something happen by the end of the year. No later than the new year. I know good things come to those who wait, we've been married for 11 years, and I'm 31 years old. I can't keep waiting. Maybe he is right. Maybe I should go for the hard stuff...

I've been feeling these mini tantrums brewing in me today. I'm relaxed and all, but sometimes it gets heavy and I JUST started trying this again.. Tantrums ALREADY?!! It's like even though I'm keeping the faith in The Almighty One,and my body to work with me,AND these herbs.. Still there's this doubt in my mind.. It's small, but it builds up sometimes. And I almost start crying. Weird. I wonder if this will get worse? It's not like it was when I was 20. Full of hopes for a brighter tomorrow. Just knowing you'll insert peg A into slot B and you'd get result C. It was that simple in my mind. You're married, you get the pills to get everything going, you have sex, you get pregnant.. End of story and you do that as many times as you want to. Now.. I've grown up.. Lived through some disappointments. Some hardships.. So I don't have as much faery dust in my eyes anymore. I know things can go wrong, and not everything works the way you want it to. But I have to suppress this idea because if I just lose hope.. It won't matter then, now will it?

But I'm trying to keep hope alive. And just pray it will happen. And all will be well with the world..


Well, at least as well as can be expected in my world. :)


Later!

*.*.*.BabyDust.*.*.*


Jen

Tired... Well more.. Sleep... :p

Man, I'm not sure if it's the FertilAid, or just this lazy hot summer Sunday, but I was so SLEEPY earlier. I remember when I started taking Clomid, I was so tired. Maybe it means the herbs are working. I feel really REALLY lazy.. But not depressed. Just... Relaxed.. In chill mode BIG time. If I lay down, I know I'll be sleep in 5 minutes. Comes in handy at night, though hubby and I are supposed to be doing the "BabyDance". But he's tired after work and this is just gonna put me to sleep. ^_^ Well, that's not a problem right now. I just started taking the pills, so they have to work anyway before we can look for results.

I'm hopeful and very encouraged that this product will work for us. I have to stay positive. It may take a while, but I feel it will work. In many ways, the Clomid is cheaper than the supplements. I have insurance, so it usually pays it. Last time it did. Well, maybe not. I'll have to actually add it all up and see. This is going to cost me like 50$ a month. With the doctor visits, I'd be paying..... Hmmm.. That ain't but like $30 a month.. But Clomid is so CHEMICAL.. I'm trying this because it's herbal. I have to keep that in mind.. Oh yeah, I'd have to get the Prevera too, so that more.. And that's if I can get it for $4 at Sams. I may have to pay MORE for it, so I don't know.. :) Anyway I'm feeling this FertilAid. I'm starting to feel like I did when I was taking the Prevera.. All the slight cramping telling me it wouldn 't be long before "Aunt Flo" shows her face around here. Slight back ache. If it works this fast they DEFINATELY have a customer for life. (They sell products for pregnancy and breast feeding as well.)

My hopes are not UP, but I am hopeful. :)


Well, that's it for now. More to come later. :) (*Thinking about when I can start my baby Fotki album. and smiling.*)

Later,


Jen

Day One... And TWO. :p

Well, this is my second day taking both pills together and I already feel a little different. I'm calmer I've noticed. And I kinda feel stirrings in the baby region. :p I know it's probably psychological, as no drug works in one day's dose. But something is better than nothing.

I guess my body knows I'm trying to do something about my situation and it may want to work with me. Now if my mind will work with me. :) Me and hubby gotta start BD'ing so we can start step two of this journey.

More later. It's started lightning down here. And I ain't trying to get struck trying to type. :p LoL


*.*.*.BabyDust.*.*.*

Update!!!

The FertilAid came TODAY!! I was looking for it to be late as usual from Amazon.com- Well, not LATE, just on the last day of the time frame. Well, good for the 'fertility companies' that sell the products. They don't bull**** around!! As far as ease of ordering and shipment time, they have my business.. Now for the workings of the products.. I don't know. At first all I found were rave reviews, now I'm finding reviews that say anything from "No way will I buy it again, as I've been taking it for 5 months." To "Nothing yet, but still trying." To "It will regulate your periods, but nothing else yet.." Those reviews sound more likely, but I would like to give it 3 months before going to hard core drugs and treatments. I'm hoping this will work. I took my first dose as soon as I got it out of the mail box. (And damn was that a fight. That little "MailGal" CRAMMED the box in my mail box. LoL.. I don't even see how she got it in there as I'm about 100 heavier than she is and I almost had to tear the mail box down to get the package out!! LoL!! )

Anyway, I guess my journey officially began today. All the 'drugs' are in me, and now all that's left is for me and the DH to do some BabyDancing.. :)

*.*.*.*BabyDust*.*.*.*


Jen

Got Part of my Order...

Well, yesterday I DID get part of my order. The test strips and my FERTILECM (I been callin' it 'FertilCM'.. Honest mistake. ) I was glad to just get that part.. Now all I'm missing is the FertilAid and I'll be set, but I already started taking the FertileCM and I'm not sure, but I think it DOES make you nauseous. I'm not already pregnant. I took my 'base line' test this morning and no question about it.. It was NEGATIVE. I wasn't really looking for a positive, but you're always hopeful when your periods are missing and you want a baby. But it's not the let down I've been having, since I was not really looking to get a BFP that time. So I'm not that down about it.. Still there is that little pang and it does set the tone for the day sort of. Far as my nausea, it may have something to do with my heavily onioned chicken sandwich lunch. :p Yeah, I notice if I'm full, I feel like crap. I have to use that to my advantage as far as weight loss. Full bad.. Comfortable and hydrated.. VERY good.

How am I feeling.. Kind of emotional. I think it's part of the unbalanced hormones going on in me. And the hope of this new baby... And reading all the happy reviews on FertilAid's site, made me kinda teary earlier today. It happens sometimes. I had to catch myself, but I was just so happy for those people who are getting a positive after TTC for so long. It was moving. Very moving. So I got weepy. I guess that's normal when you read about people who are a lot like you. Also, I notice that I feel connected to all women now. Well, all mothers anyway. All women trying to become mothers. Regardless to race or beliefs. We're all the same. We want our babies to be born and be born HEALTHY.. And for those babies to be safe. And that connects us. And that relaxes my mind. Makes me feel more at one with the greatest mother of all.. The Earth.. The Universe.. With just the IDEA of being a mother, I feel more intune with everything. Sweetness. :)

Well, I guess that's it for now. I'll be glad when these Baby Chronicles have a baby to talk about. I don't care if it's a girl or a boy. I'd rather a girl in a way because I have sisters and I'm a girl. Raised in a house fulla girls and women. I kinda know what to do with a girl. A little boy would be new.. My father died when I was 8 and my mom's boyfriends for the most part were creeps, so my male impression isn't the best. Not that I'd hate my son, of course not! I'd love him as I would a daughter and he does have his father to help raise him.. I'd just feel closer to a girl cause she'd be mommy's little Mini Me, so to speak. I mean I'd be ok if my little boy was a Mini Me, but I'd prefer he NOT be.. :p At this point, as long as it has 10 finger, 10 toes on two feet and hands distributed evenly of course. :p And be healthy.. I am in love.

OK, now that's all for the day. :) Hopefully my FertilAid will get here today. But I'm looking for it to be here the 16th like they said. They love to use that 'last day'.. Especially since I think it's coming from Amazon.com. <_<


Jen

Waiting..

For my products.. :p

I ordered some FertilAid, as I think I mentioned in my first post, but I haven't gotten it yet. I thought I'd be getting it today, but I looked on Amazon again today, and it said BETWEEN the 11th and the 16th. <_< I might have known.. Oh well, what's 5 more days? It's coming to the mail box so I don't have to be waitin' for no UPS man to show up. Anyway, I've been in pretty good spirits. Hubby and I aren't arguing much. Especially not as much as we once have. But we are getting into MINI arguements. Just little stuff. Like he'll be ridin' me about the house not being ANALLY clean. I'm looking at it. It looks like most people's houses, but he's having a hissy fit about it.. I don't know. I think he's gittery about the baby that we're planning. I've stopped arguing with him so much. Except my obsessive baby tv watching. That's kinda getting to him. I think it reminds him that "Hey, won't be long before I'm a daddy again. For the first time with this woman! Will we raise a good kid or will she raise it all FREAKY headed like she is?!!" LoL.. Well, papa, get use to it.. And yes, the baby will be freaky headed like me. :p

Emotionally, I guess I'm doing alright. No real tearful breakdowns, though I do bet teary sometimes. But then that's normal for me. Some days I just feel overwhelmed.. Just overly STIMULATED.. Like a 3 year old.. Just too much going on and I need DOWNTIME.. If I get it, I'm usually fine. Wonder how that'll play out when we're parents? When I'm somebody's mommy. I'll trade my downtime and me time for being a mommy.. For someone to call me "mommy".. Or "Mama" Or "Ma" whatever, long as it's my kid, ya know? I even look forward to dirty diapers.. :)

I guess I've stopped gaining weight, thankfully. (Then again maybe not, just got a glance at the waist line and hips.. YIKES! :O ) I have to start going down. I think at least 20lbs before I get pregnant. Then again I may have time to lose more, cause I think this will be a challenge. i'm not gonna be just knocked up at the drop of a hat. But hopefully we'll get pregnant soon. With in the next 5 years (Hopefully within the next 6 MONTHS, but I'm being realistic.) I'm giving it until 40 totally. In 5 years I'll be 36, so that'll give 4 years of hope, then at 40, oh well.. Just not gonna happen. Not that there's anything wrong with being 40 and pregnant, that's just when I'm gonna stop buying fertility drugs and supplements and all that and just start focusing on beginning a new part of life and enjoying that. But I actually have 9 more years to try with all my might. I'd love to have 2 kids, but I'd feel blessed to have one healthy baby. One thing at a time, right?

Well, this isn't a long post. Just posting some feelings on my ttc situation and praying for the best..

Baby Dust and praying for a Sticky Bean.

Jen

Yep, I'm trying again.. With help of course..

You can't have a kid alone, right? Well, here I am after THINKING I had happily moved on from the baby obsession. Well, my clock is ticking again. I know I'll need help (I mean other than hubby help.) I'll need meds AND I have to lose WEIGHT. That is gonna be the hardest part. I mean, I'd lost weight before, but as soon as that stress hit my ass I as right back up there. I'm very inactive now. Some days, Only get out of bed for about 2 hours!! I know that's somewhat depression, but I'll get over that. It's not major.. Most of it, I must say is LAZINESS. But if I want this kid to come to be, I have some big changes to make. I think the little one is worth it.

I'm already to start my herbal treatment. I ordered FertilAid for Women and FertilAid CM. These are supposed to be like herbal Prevera and clomid all in one. Am I looking for this to work.. Well, I'm HOPING for it to, but I've learned after a life of getting my hopes dashed to not get them up too high. Still I gotta be able to say I tried. I love my unborn children already and I will do what I have to to bring them into the world. :)


This is my journal. It will be full of feelings. I know somedays will be good. Some bad.. Some, I'll be just HERE. LoL.. But I feel keeping a journal is the best way to keep a lid on that. I've joined several support groups, so I have my bases covered in the support area. I need to get in touch with a OBGYN to get that ball rolling. But all that will be done in time.

How's hubby taking all this. Well, he's not the emotional type like me. He's more of a do it or don't attitude. Thus the groups. They'll give me that extra support I need when I'm about to collapse to the floor in tears and he's telling me "Get up and just DO IT!!" And I need someone to say "It'll be ok.. Now go do it.." Same thing. Different approach, ya see. :)

Well, feelings... Today, I feel... Alright I guess. I ate light all day. No real activity though, but the light meal is a start. Today is the full moon, that's always good. I have my water, herbs, and coins purifying in the window sill. :) Tomorrow I'll offer them up to the spirits. (Oh yeah, I want to make sure my kids learn this. It's a nice jesture. Especially if you're not just praying for YOU.) Anyway, that has nothing to do with this.. I feel good to be back into that kinda thing. The whole Priestess deal. Gives you a nice peaceful feeling inside.. Well inside ME anyway. I guess I'm pretty happy today. I haven't started any treatments yet, so there's not hormonal out bursts yet. I'm sure those will be hella interesting. :)

I guess that's all for now.. More as it becomes available. :p

Jen