Friday, July 10, 2015
All these years of hoping trying and ending up in tears. And it's finally come. The day to just call it quits.
This decision didn't come easy. A baby was my last standing wish for my life. My final goal. So that was tough. Not to mention the love I already have for this little one. Like he/she exists. Somewhere. It was not easy.
Now, I'm not saying I don't still want children. I do. But I'm done trying. Done getting my hopes up only to have them come crashing down on hard jagged rocks. If it happens it happens. If not., well. It didn't.
Now comes the grieving period. The loss of my dreams and my hopes for my little one. I doubt this will be easy. Even now that I'm putting it in this blog post, I don't think my heart really believes what my mind is saying. I've wanted this child since I was 17. That's 20 years. So it's not easy to give up. To say "That's it!! I can't do this anymore."
So. Until further notice, I'm out of the TTC game. But don't you give up. This is just my situation and after actually trying for the last 17 years with my husband and still nothing, this is NOT typical! Your chances are likely much better than ours were. Don't give up hope. .•*•.BabyDust.•*•. Still goes out to you!!
On a lighter note, we've decided to adopt a kitten. I'll probably start a blog about that. Something light hearted and fun about our little kitty. I'll come back with the link as soon as it's ready.
Wednesday, May 14, 2014
Well so far, I'm just starting Vitex so I'm taking my Vitex and one Geritol a day. I was already taking the Geritol. I keep forgetting, however to take my temperature!!! Ugh! I'll remember for a few days. Even a week. Then I'll just forget. It's frustrating but I know it's worth it to keep trying.
It helps that DH is interested in the baby now. However I kinda wonder why now? I guess with his illness this would be a sign of virility. How better to prove your manliness than to fertilize your waiting woman?! LoL. I don't know. It just seems like other times were better to get involved than now. Healthier times. I don't know. Only he knows the answer to that one. Maybe it is my feeling that the baby might be a boy. It would be his only son, so. Hey, I'm not looking a gift horse in the mouth!! (Crazy ass expression! Why the hell would I?!! LoL!) I'm glad to have him on board at last! Maybe we can make this happen finally.
There's not much to tell today, but I'm going to try to post almost daily. Even if just to say "not yet!" Or "took my meds" Or "It was POSITIVE!!!" Some day.
But for now, the journey to mommyhood.
Sunday, May 11, 2014
Vitex, that is. I've had an unstable temperature spike, but this is day 98 of my cycle. I was going to wait until day 100, but I'm pretty sure my cycles have decided to quit again. For one, I've gained so much WEIGHT since I quit the job. And when I gain weight I often lose my cycle as well. So a weight loss is definitely called for. This is why I almost don't need a diagnosis of PCOS, all I need is a check up to make SURE it's not something else.
So, tomorrow is day 99. I'll be starting a day early, but that ok, as I know I'm not ovulating right now (negative OPT) and I don't think my period was "on the way". And I know I'm not pregnant because we haven't had much sex lately. We wanted to temp and get a baseline first. With DH's difficulties it's a lot less stress on him to not waste effort on a non productive cycle. (That sounded bad, I know. But trust me, it's ok. )
Honestly I was on the verge of giving up or at least just.. I don't know. I was starting to grieve. Grieve for the babies I'd never be able to have. I still WANT a baby, but after so long you start to think.. Maybe it's not going to happen.
I tried to adopt a puppy, but $100 is NOT what I remember!! When I had dogs, they were free! LoL! So... But it was kinda devastating. I was like, GOD I'm not even worthy of a DOG!! (Hey I was in a dark place that day!!)
I was about to tap out.
Then we were at the laundromat (my dryer is on the fritz as well. *sigh* it never ends sometimes!!) and I saw this tiny little sock someone had left behind. It was so adorable. I mentioned to DH that it was so little and cute. And what he said would be insignificant to a person who doesn't know the TTC struggle, but to ME it was everything.
He looked at the sock and said "That's how little your baby's sock is gonna be." And just walked off like it was just the normal thing to say.. Like, it's gonna happen so he wasn't worried about it. LoL! And that little thing gave me so much hope. I felt renewed in this journey again. He has no idea how much that little sentence help pull me back in the ring and helped me to keep going.
And I'm not gonna tell him because he'll ruin it.. LoL!
Anyway, this is the Vitex I will be using
I got it at Amazon, I forget the cost. It's cheaper at Puritan's Pride though I do remember that. I'm pretty sure it's all pretty much the same. Last time I was taking this, I combined it with Black Cohosh and it was working I guess. I did get a period here and there as I remember, but I got this awful stomachache and had to stop taking it. I had PLENTY left over, but lost the bottles in our 2 moves since then, actually now 3 moves. So I had to buy more, sans the black cohosh.
I actually got an awesome tip from a former TTC'er turned Mommy about FertilAid/Vitex. There are many tales of women having success with the herb, only to have it ripped away in a miscarriage. The reason seems to be the sudden stop of the supplement. She said she takes the herb for the first 12 weeks, then weans off quickly. Or the first 8 weeks.. I'll have to look it up again. But the point is to keep taking it until the placenta takes over and starts producing it's own hormones. Then you wean off. Before that you progesterone levels may drop and you'll miscarry. It's just one person's advice but it kind of proved my suspicion and I thought about doing the same. And her theory is sound and the proof is 2 healthy children. So. it's worth a shot.
So, yeah. Basically I'm starting my holistic fertility treatments tomorrow. :)
Friday, May 2, 2014
And waiting.... And waiting.. AND WAITING!!! *sigh*
It's times like this that extremely long cycles really SUCK! With a 46 day long cycle that sometimes skips a cycle or two you have nearly 100 days before you know that it's time to take the next step. In my case, starting Vitex. Right now I'm at day 89. 2 missed cycles is day 92. So I'm almost there. I plan to wait until after day 100 before starting the drug.
I think my missed cycles are skipping also because of my recent weight gain. Since my husband and I began working for ourselves, we aren't as active as we use to be and that has lead to a bit if a weight gain. I know that once my weight gets to a certain point, my cycles skip or STOP! So that's something to take care of. Honestly I would like to lose a good 50lbs. It sounds like a lot, but at my weight that huge loss would just put me at my norm- about 170. So, that sounds great. :) I recently got a book called "The 17 Day Diet" by Dr. Mike Moreno. I received it through Swaggable, a sampling group that I am a part of. I haven't had time to actually read it. I don't go for fad diets anymore, but a nice jumpstart might be be just what I need right now. My sister wants to go on a diet also, so maybe I'll at least have a diet buddy.
Well, that's it for now. More once I get this officially started. :)
Thanks for reading. :)
Monday, April 14, 2014
Are you thinking if taking Vitex? Read this article. Makes me feel pretty good about taking it!!
Vitex.... Fertility Super Herb?
By Hethir Rodriguez
Vitex is a beautiful shrub native to Greece and Italy whose berries have been used in herbal medicine for centuries. It is considered one of the most popular herbs in Europe and other Western nations for the support of gynecological imbalances.
How Vitex WorksInhibit follicle-stimulating hormone (FSH): Vitex increases the secretion of luteinising hormone (LH), which in turn increases progesterone.
How to Use Vitex
Does Vitex Work for Everyone?
Safety & Side Effects
Vitex use During Pregnancy
Saturday, April 12, 2014
I won't make this too long, because every mommy- in -waiting who is over 30 has been there before..
Somehow the topic of kids keeps coming up around my baby-maching brother in law. He started making his kids in his teens with same age girls.... Young. Teens and twenties.
His brother is older than him by a couple of years I think and I'm in my late thirties. (36)
Well, he has a habit of getting on his soapbox about how women are waiting too long to have kids and how our bodies can't make a healthy baby after a certain age. At first the age was 30- something, now I GUESS realizing I always walk away when he starts this convo, AND I'm over 30, he has moved it up to 40. But STILL says older men will likely have disabled children or children with downs syndrome or SOMETHING suggesting we not even attempt it!
What's worse is it SEEMS DH is trying to use it as an excuse to not even try sometimes. It's like I'm fighting a friggin' uphill battle!! It's exhausting and painful.