All is..... OK. :p

Well I've started taking my herbs. The vitex and black cohosh and I guess they'll work as well as the FertilAid. In fact, it may work better because the FA had only had a little vitex and red clover in it. Black cohosh is SUPPOSED to be the shit, or so I've heard. The first thing I noticed is it states it's for menopause relief. That was a little bit of a downer as I do not want to be menopausal!! LoL! I'm trying to be a mommy. But the whole point is hormone balance in both cases. And once the hormones are balanced your body does what it should, so it works for either. Now I'm rambling. LoL!


Well this was just a quick update as I haven't posted in awhile. Oh and hubby is actually into the idea of having a baby. Though you know how that is. Any guys out there know yall get cold feet sometimes about babies sometimes, but most of yall are happy when you see those two lines on the test. :) So we're good. :D

OK, now I'm done.


.•*•.BabyDust.•*•.

Month 2 to begin.... NOW!

Well, I got that much expected BFN yesterday. I was supposed to test today, but I woke up thinking yesterday was the 12th, so I tested then and it was infact negative.

I was expecting it,but it still took it's toll on me. I was depressed all day yesterday. I didn't tell hubby I tested, because he hates when I test. I always get depressed! LoL! So I kept that to myself. But it was eating me up inside. luckily I as home alone all day yesterday. I slept all day. I still feel a little teary eyed. Sometimes I feel like I'm out of my element. I mean.. OK, this is how all these bad feelings started. I was in one of my other support groups. On Nappturality. (You know it is our favorite site. ^_^ ) And there was this discussion about "How old is too old." And I guess I felt like some of the younger members were kinda knocking the older members who wanted to have kids still. Now I'm still in the PRETTY safe range. I'm 31, and you're pretty good up to 35, and then things get edgy, but you're still alright. The chances of stuff going wrong is just a little higher. Well anyway, I guess I've been thinking about that. I wasn't even the person who STARTED the tread. I've read all the studies so why would I need to ask such a question, knowing I'd just leave it upset? Well, anyway. I was still really supportive of women trying later in life. But then you know there's always the 'scientist' of any group who says you're wrong, or what you're doing is immoral, or just not right or SOMETHING that's gonna rub you the wrong way. And they got to talking about this and that... And somehow it got on the subject that a 15 year old is more phyiscally desirable for childbirth than an older woman. Now we all know a childs body heals faster than an adults. But a child definately does not have the mind set of an adult, and I guess it just struck a cord. I left a comment, but I don't think I'll be going back in there again. I'll just stick to nappturality for what it was initially put there for. HAIR. PERIOD.

The sad part is it kind of put a rift between me and younger mothers. Like they are looking at me like I fucked up waiting so long. When I honestly have been trying since I was their age. So youth does not mean you'll get pregnant easy peasy and such. I know it's crazy. I never use to look at it like that, if I saw a young woman of 20 saying she's trying to have a baby, I'd tell her she's young and has so much time so don't lose hope. Now if I read that I'm lookin' at that post or person all sideways. <_<>

Still I say 15 is too young to have a baby. I don't care what who or what says. It happens, yes. But that should be an everyday thing. What happened to you're grown at 18? Now our children are expected to adults... Then again.. It may just be by a few. I'm sure most of us still want to protect our teenage daughters.. Don't we? I don't know.. I guess the whole thing just left me feeling defeated and a little bit sad.

I always tell myself that I'm not going to get involved in controversial topics. I always end up just bowing out, but the frustration lingers and I end up going over it again and again for MONTHS!! I guess the BFN just kinda rubbed it in a little that old woman, you're out of your league. <_<

But of course I haven't given up, and I have every intention of seeing this through, and the opinion of so few is not going to change my mind. I do wish I could have been successful in my 20s but it just didn't work out that way. So now I'm in my 30s. I have a good 9 years left in them. Well, at least 8 years and some months. And if I can't do it then, MAYBE I'll consider just giving it up.. Or hell, maybe I'll be a mama in my 40s. Now 50s I don't know about all that. But I certainly don't tell anyone in their 50s to not try for that dream. It's just amazing. It's so easy to say things when you're on the other end of the spectrum. But when it's your time.. You feel totally different. I know I've made a lot of 180's myself in my life. Total turn arounds. :) They do happen.

Well, I guess I'm done ranting for now. I'm just gonna listen to some soothing music.. Surf the net for a bit. Maybe even stroll to nappturality for a minute.. Just for some hair stuff. :p

Renewed...

For some reason I'm totally renewed in my mission. For the last few weeks I've been wondering somewhat, why am I even bothering? This is just going to end in disappointment. But now, I feel renewed in the whole mission. Hooray! :p

I know my FertilAid is going to run out sometime this month, so I had to re up, but this time I decided to just buy the main ingredient. The Vitex and I got some Black Cohosh too, because I hear it is great for fertility and hormone balance in women. I started to get some stuff for hubby, but I'm not sure if he even has any problems in the male side of the equation. After all he has fathered a child before, I've never been pregnant. And if I was it didn't last long. I do feel I have been a couple of times at least, but I try not to think about that as I have no proof of such a thing. It would only upset me to think about it and having been rejuvenated in my quest, I don't want to get sad about ANYTHING!! I just want the positive vibes to just keep on flowing, and hopefully there'll be some baby dust out there that will just float on down to us with those vibes. :)

It's amazing all the emotional crap that goes with this journey. That's why I started this particular blog so I can capture all that and look back on it some day, hopefully with my little bundle napping next to me. I mean it has been a real ROLLERCOASTER just this past month. For being on cloud 9, to unsure, to pissed off, to hopeless (briefly.) To being on cloud 9 again. Well, actually this isn't like when I FIRST started trying. When I was like, alright.. I'll take the pills, we'll dance, we'll get pregnant.. Ba-da-bang, ba-da- boom.. Right? More like YEAH right. So I have come down enough to know it won't be that easy. But I'm still taking my supplements. FertilAid now, the Vitex after that. And the new Vitex, being pretty much all chasteberry, are more concentrated than the FertilAid with 800mg, where as in FertilAid the whole blend is only 770mg. So I'm feeling psyched about that. I got my Vitex on www.puritan.com I like their site because they are the cheapest on herbals and they are doing a buy one get 2FREE promo now. They are always at least giving you 2 for 1 on everything, and this was just the tops! I got both pills, a total of 9 bottles of product, for the price of ONE of the bottles of FertilAid. I say that's a deal. Now all I need to get is a cheap bottle of Pre Natal vitamins and I'll be set! I'll end up with the basis of FertilAid, for way WAY cheaper. I mean I think Sam's has a prenatal vitamin that's like 400 MILLION pills.. Like a whole damn VAT of pills for about $9. Can't beat that. Last time I bought them they were in a pink and white bottle, but probably not now. And why am I telling you? Maybe someone who reads this is ttc too, I don't know.


Well, I guess that's all for now. I just must say, I can't wait to post that BFP!!! LoL



*.*.*.BabyDust.*.*.*

Today.

I know I've been talking about taking it slow and letting the herbs work, but I want baby NOW!! LoL!! I know, I know. Great things are worth waiting for. I get that. And Clomid is something else making you have all them damn babies at one time. I will be stretching to afford on, but we'd live. Two? Three.. I'm not so sure about that.

Next think I've noticed is I've gotten cheap. Not really a thing for the ttc blog, but since I'm even applying it to the child to be, maybe it will fit. I have gotten cheap. Everything has to be on sale. I mean I shop, I just obsess with sales and coupons. I've never been this way. Before I didn't really think about price much. It can cost .10 or $10,000 and it was all the same. I guess that's good as I am an adult now and planning to expand my family. But it gets to be a drag. People are tired of hearing me nickle and dime things to death. LoL.. I guess I should lay off that a bit.

I don't really have much to say today. I think I got most of it out last post. But I probably will need to vent again eventually. :) All there is to report today is the cramping is continuing. I guess things are trying to regulate. As long as something is working, it's all good with me.... Though annoying. :p


*.*.*.BabyDust.*.*.*

This is so ANNOYING.. Well, not really. But still!!

But I'm sick of all these fake symptoms. I know they are fake. I have the same feelings everytime hubby and I ttc or I think I'm pregnant. Granted they are a little more persistant this time, mostly because I'm taking that supplement. It's like taking Clomid. Where you may feel some symptoms, you always get a BFN. And that one line on that stick just breaks you down. And I'm not trying to get broke down. Not this early on. This is just the first month. But when I take the test on the 12th of this month. It will be negative.. And I will be disapointed yet again. Even though I'm expecting it. it's so hard sometimes. I mean, everyone says think positive. Think positive. And I'm trying to. But I guess after all these years it's just hard. I got the first 'no baby' disapointment way back when I was 18. And it broke my heart then. But I was still positive.... Then in my 20's I got all those negatives too.. And I guess now 12 years later. it's just hard to expect a miracle. At least one for myself. I can believe in all the magic and miracles in the world for everyone else. When I'm rooting for someone in the ttc forums, i really do believe they will get that BFP and they'll be happy. Even if they have miscarriages. I believe they will recover and finally be happy with their new baby to come. But when it comes to believing it for myself... That's a bit harder. Hubby doesn't want me thinking about that kind of stuff.. Well, at least he doesn't want me telling him about it.. (Not really Mr. Kissy Kissy Goo-Goo, that man.) But I do think about it sometimes when I'm lying in bed. I mean I've gotten over being childless before. At one point I figured I'd just never have a child.. Not sure what made me try again, but I just got to thinking my babies deserve a chance to be born too. Even if I don't succeed, at least I tried. But I'm not even sure what made me think about that. I guess it was realizing I'm 31 and time does not stand still. And if I pass that window, I won't have another chance. And I'll have sealed it without even giving it an HONEST try. So I'm trying, damn it all.

Sometimes I almost cry. But I don't want to do that. Not sure what I think will happen if I do. Maybe I'm saving it for that string of negatives I'll likely get. Or maybe for the moment I just say screw it and give up. I'm not sure.. I guess I feel that I'm to the point of hopelessness when I cry about something. And I don't want to admit defeat just yet. And I feel it's way too soon to be falling apart. But I just feel so lonely sometimes. I know I have hubby. Lots of women are all alone raising children- even ttc, those using AI using a donor. So I am blessed in that sense, but when you still can't just talk to your SO about feelings, it still feels like you're alone. Don't get me wrong. Not saying he's distant and unfeeling. Just.. I need to talk about all those cushy feelings. Those lil' bitch ass feelings that tend to pop up in a female's mind. And maybe some men's minds too. it's unfair to think all men aren't emotional. (Yeah, I'm kinda a tomboy, so all these feelings are quite bitch in a sense to me. Though I am a very emotional person, I understand why men don't want to talk about these feelings, and they really do make me feel like a 'punk' sometimes.)

Oh well. These feelings tend to come and go. Sometimes I'm so hopeful.. Others I'm utterly hopeless. I guess it's hormonal or something. A girl thing. A human thing.. :)



Jen

Been away,and what a rollercoaster it has been.

Well, I've been on vacation. We went to Universal Studios (We go all the time.) and had a little fun. Saw some sites, rode some rides (I hate rollercoasters. So you know that little mid ride picture they take was ALL toe UP!! ) Still, it was a fun ride and at least it was an indoor rollercoaster. (The Mummy ride.) I think I'll do better next year. That is if I'm not all knocked up. :p

Anyway, the rollercoaster that really was wild, was my EMOTIONAL rollercoaster. Hubby and I got into it about something. Not a major spat or anything.. It was just feeling like he didn't want me to be his babymama.. And I was pissed about it. I still wonder sometimes. But my clock is not waiting. He can get a woman pregnant when he's EIGHTY!! I have a time limit, so he's just gonna have to deal. But still I felt so bad. That he thought I wouldn't be a good mom. well, he didn't say that.. But in my mind it was implied. But worse of all he started out talking about the cost of having a baby. and I know it is EXPENSIVE to raise kids. But my mom did it on government assistance might as well say. (My dad's state retirement and social security benefits when he died supported us.) And we got along just fine. Sure I didn't have the TRENDIEST of clothes, but I didn't start a single school year without a few new outfits, and I didn't starve to death either. (All my fat proved that.) And she loved me. That's the most important part of it all. Some kids are RICH money wise, but don't get the love they need from their parents. and I'd be more than willing to give it to them... My kids that is. :p

I can't wait until I'm "well off." I might be 50 and TOTALLY sterile by then. Then how much will it cost for them to try and DIG UP a few stored back eggs and HOPE they work. When I can just have the baby now? No way. I think this is too important. I put it off for so long and always said if I had the time, or the money, or if I was meant to have kids my body would work right. Well, I'm tired of making excused, I want my little one!! Dammit.. :p We've been married 11 years, so I think it's time. Still it kinda hurts when he keeps throwing all these hints and I feel like I'm the only one trying here. Like I'm the only one who WANTS this child to be born. It's just kinda lonely. Emotionally that is.

I had gave up for a minute..


JUST a minute.

Now I'm back. And I believe it is time and I shouldn't give up. I've given up too many times before. I can't leave this alone. I'm not 20 anymore. I know I have a few years left, but I don't want to wait til the last minute or until it's too late. I feel it's time.


So I'm still taking my FertilAid and I've started exercising, believe it or not. Turbo Jam DVD system. (Just the exercise, cause I'm not with all that dieting.) And I just bought a Bowflex AND an eliptical machine. If I can't shape up with all those tools, I'm just destined to be fat. :p

I guess that's it. It's bout to get bad over here (Far as weather) and I ain't tryin' to get struck tryin' ta blog. :p



*.*.*.BabyDust.*.*.*



Jen