First, I need to correct my last post. He's always said I WOULDN'T make a good mother. I reread that and was like "When did he ever say I WOULD be a good mother?!" Ah, those angry posts. So incorrect. :p
Anyway. I'm feeling much better. I hate to keep taking you guys on this sling shot ride. I'm sick of going in it myself. After reading me, of course you know I want a baby. I'll never stop WANTING one. I'll never stop PLANNING for one. Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever GET one. But the WANTING never goes away. I still get "symptoms". Still get hopeful every month. I guess some dreams are just too important to let go.
As for stability, hell who IS sane enough to raise a stable child? We all have our quirks. Our insanities. So did our parents and most of us still, some how survived. I would make a good mom and I don't think I should give up on it just yet. As for him, well. I guess he can teach the kid something. If nothing else, how to be tough and stubborn as hell. :) Maybe with me constantly pumping kindness and understanding in Kiddo's little brain it might actually strike some sort of balance. That or create a TOTAL psycho, which in this crazy world, would fit in perfectly. :)
So the Doctor's appointment is still on, though I don't know if I like that "Women's Center". But DH says to give them a try. $200 is a hell of a try. But if it's worth it, I'll have no more complaints. They seem kind of condesending, in my oppinion. But as always, we shall see. :)
Well that's it for now. Crisis averted. Still smokefree. Still, mostly, on track. :)
Monday, January 4, 2010
I've been wanting to be a mommy for the last 18 years.. Since I was 14.. I got married almost 12 years ago... My husband has always said i would be a good mother.. And honestly.. I think he's right. As long as I want to be with him, I can't. I have many different views on things than he has. And as a pair, we can't raise a stable child.. So I am giving up my quest on having a child. It was my last dream. My last goal. It was the last thing other than world peace that I wanted. If we are to stay together, a child just will never be in the works. I could push it. And get the treatments, but I'd just end up with a kid as messed up as I am. And now I grieve.. I am so sad right now that I just don't want to live... But I will go on. I will continue on. In the back of my heart, I pray this isn't what The Almighty wants for me, but if it is, I will accept it. My heart is very heavy.. I am damaged.. And I don't know how I will push past this...