But I'm sick of all these fake symptoms. I know they are fake. I have the same feelings everytime hubby and I ttc or I think I'm pregnant. Granted they are a little more persistant this time, mostly because I'm taking that supplement. It's like taking Clomid. Where you may feel some symptoms, you always get a BFN. And that one line on that stick just breaks you down. And I'm not trying to get broke down. Not this early on. This is just the first month. But when I take the test on the 12th of this month. It will be negative.. And I will be disapointed yet again. Even though I'm expecting it. it's so hard sometimes. I mean, everyone says think positive. Think positive. And I'm trying to. But I guess after all these years it's just hard. I got the first 'no baby' disapointment way back when I was 18. And it broke my heart then. But I was still positive.... Then in my 20's I got all those negatives too.. And I guess now 12 years later. it's just hard to expect a miracle. At least one for myself. I can believe in all the magic and miracles in the world for everyone else. When I'm rooting for someone in the ttc forums, i really do believe they will get that BFP and they'll be happy. Even if they have miscarriages. I believe they will recover and finally be happy with their new baby to come. But when it comes to believing it for myself... That's a bit harder. Hubby doesn't want me thinking about that kind of stuff.. Well, at least he doesn't want me telling him about it.. (Not really Mr. Kissy Kissy Goo-Goo, that man.) But I do think about it sometimes when I'm lying in bed. I mean I've gotten over being childless before. At one point I figured I'd just never have a child.. Not sure what made me try again, but I just got to thinking my babies deserve a chance to be born too. Even if I don't succeed, at least I tried. But I'm not even sure what made me think about that. I guess it was realizing I'm 31 and time does not stand still. And if I pass that window, I won't have another chance. And I'll have sealed it without even giving it an HONEST try. So I'm trying, damn it all.
Sometimes I almost cry. But I don't want to do that. Not sure what I think will happen if I do. Maybe I'm saving it for that string of negatives I'll likely get. Or maybe for the moment I just say screw it and give up. I'm not sure.. I guess I feel that I'm to the point of hopelessness when I cry about something. And I don't want to admit defeat just yet. And I feel it's way too soon to be falling apart. But I just feel so lonely sometimes. I know I have hubby. Lots of women are all alone raising children- even ttc, those using AI using a donor. So I am blessed in that sense, but when you still can't just talk to your SO about feelings, it still feels like you're alone. Don't get me wrong. Not saying he's distant and unfeeling. Just.. I need to talk about all those cushy feelings. Those lil' bitch ass feelings that tend to pop up in a female's mind. And maybe some men's minds too. it's unfair to think all men aren't emotional. (Yeah, I'm kinda a tomboy, so all these feelings are quite bitch in a sense to me. Though I am a very emotional person, I understand why men don't want to talk about these feelings, and they really do make me feel like a 'punk' sometimes.)
Oh well. These feelings tend to come and go. Sometimes I'm so hopeful.. Others I'm utterly hopeless. I guess it's hormonal or something. A girl thing. A human thing.. :)
Jen
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About Me
- BlackAngel
- I'm a Georgia Peach, Living in Florida, just moved from Alabama, after moving from Florida! I'm a true nomad. I'm interested in bettering spirit, body, and mind. I'm Seekin' Zen and takin' names!
*babydust*
ReplyDeleteHe may fear you breaking, I've imagined. Even I hold my breath, though honored to see beyond your wisdom and persona. Though it is possible that you cheat away your emotions, from him and yourself alike, I can't imagine he is completely unaware of how vulnerable you are (in this particular journey).
Indeed. He may well be afraid of your pain. Figure, his glory in providing a source of fulfillment and supporting your happiness could also become his guilt (in peddling a source of sorrow and contributing toward a sadness). You have time and matters, I'd suggest you consider sharing more intimately with him (tearful as it may become).
I'm not sure there is justice in holding your cries. You're entitled to your humanity and he is likewise.
For your loving consideration, as always.
*babydust*
P.S. Congratulations on your fitness endeavors!
Thanks for the comment. I've tried sharing those touching thoughts and tears with him and I respect that he is just not that type of person. I'm not knocking him, though sometimes it makes me resentful a bit. A person is that they are. And he is not cushy. Period. :)
ReplyDeleteHowever, through all the smart ass comments he likes to make and nay saying. If we are actually so blessed to have a little one, I think he'll actually be happy. I hope.